It would be easy slip into thinking

that you would allow me to say or do anything.

Yes, ANYTHING,

as long as I did so discreetly,

without embarrassing you.

I know that you do trust me completely

because I have never done more

than was OK with you.

All the little things which you have allowed

the very small gifts,

the sharing of intimate information-

probably meaningless to most anyone else,

but significant to us,

and some real

or imagined

moments of genuine tenderness.

I did begin to think that there was only one thing keeping us apart.

But the truth is,

that there may well be some limits

inside your heart-

Doors you don't want me to ever try opening.

Things you really might NOT WANT

me to say or do-

not just too much

or too soon,

but Not At All- Period!

That may be.

That may be.

And I have to face that possibility.

But, I also can't quite contain myself-

can't keep myself from considering the what ifs:

What if it feels every bit as unbelievable, yet wonderful to you

just as it does to me.

What if you are just as terrified of this whole thing as I am?

And what if you are not completely sure about me-

about what I want and what I am promising-

if anything at all.

And what if we could get past all that.

Would things be worse,

and even more uncertain

less secure

than they are right now

Could I give you a better life?

With more stress and strain

would I long for

and then run?

Off to my old friend,

Freedom-

my only real and true friend ever-

until I met you.

What are we to do?

Just ignore it all?

Pretend we feel nothing?

Pretend we do not recognize

what is impossible for a single second

to forget.

That it is as if we have always known

and loved each other.

Always-

Down through the centuries,

perhaps from the beginning of time

and on into forever.

We are an eternal thread of human affection

Maybe

but maybe it's all just another dream inside my head.

And you're no more real than anyone else.

I don't know.

You seem like THE ONE,

but I don't know.

Do you?

4th of July Meditation

July 4, 2011

South Redondo Beach

Low Overcast, almost foggy in some places near the water line

Meditation after coffee and a beach walk with Linda

Linda and I find a relatively secluded spot on the otherwise crowded beach.

Linda sets her iphone alarm for thirty minutes.

I take a few notes to myself and move back and forth between states a few times before settling in:

I imagine myself swimming just beneath the surface heading out toward

the drop off. For the most part I swim using my legs with only an occassional stroke or two

from my arms. I find myself deliberately slowing the pace of the kicking in an effort to be more relaxed. I decide to use as little energy as possible.

I realize that at this pace I will use up the entire time just getting to the edge

that I am headed for, so I make a mental leap to that destination and am there.

I give one last kick and begin to slowly move my arms diving deeper into the darker waters.

I notice that there is no sea life, then suddenly see a dolphin who seems to be welcoming me.

She swims nearby and then departs. I have a sense that she will be around if needed.

Before too long I see a shark. Not especially large, or particularly threatening. A Blue I think,

not really dangerouls, but still bigger than I am. We both attempt to circle the other. It soon departs.

In a little while a slightly larger white shark appears.

It too attempts to begin a closing circle manuever toward me. I head directly for it

and at the last moment flip backward 180 degrees and kick it in the snout. The beast takes off

and I feel victorious, for a moment, but before it has gone far it turns and heads back toward me.

This time it's coming straight at me. I am no longer as confident as I had been,

but continue to respond instinctively. I too swim toward my opponent. This time I hit the creature with my fist, right on the opening of one of it's smell receptors. It turns away quickly and scrapes my hand as it goes.

I rest motionless for an undeterminable amount of time contemplating the roughness of the shark's skin. Then in the distance I see it. A very large great white. Larger than I ever imagined. I remain still. Something tells me to do nothing. I remain as I have been.

I think that it will help if I close my eyes so that I don't panic so easily if it, no, no

when it comes closer.

I have accepted this encounter.

I deserve whatever happens. I shouldn't have tried to hurt that other shark.

I am not trying to get away. I am open to whatever happens.

I welcome this experience, no matter what.

I decide to reopen my eyes and see the shark moving toward me very slowly.

It is barely moving. It's mouth is open. I feel it's tongue touching my stomach.

It is tasting me. After a moment, it opens it's mouth wider and turns to leave, but scratches me

on both back and abdomen in several places, but they really are only scratches.

Linda is still deep in her meditation when I come out of the surf. As the water drips off of my skin, I realize

that I am naked. I think to myself. I hope she doesn't mind that I have nothing on, but just then I am back sitting beside her fully clothed. My left leg is beginning to fall asleep. I stretch it out slowly, and sensation starts to return and I look over at Linda.

Her eyes are open, but she is looking out to sea. I look down at my green tee shirt, glad that no blood is seeping through. Linda would not want any on the seats of her car.

The Down Side of Giving Advice

In many meditation and metaphysics classes there is an expression which is often used- "What you give is what you get." The normal meaning of the phrase requires no special explanation. It is an easily grasped and important concept. I believe however that I have stumbled upon a more subtle extension of the principle.

When we give advice to another, such as to try and see the wonder and beauty in our daily lives- a path often strewn with obstacles, set backs and what may seem to be in the worst cases even tragedies, it can come back to us. We may find that we're faced with a number of challenges or at least things we wish we didn't have to deal with, and then we remember our advice. Those carelessly tossed out words, not necessarily well thought out, but still, with the best of intentions. If things are particularly difficult, we may want to dismiss whatever advice we tried to pass along, feeling that it was really stupid and arrogant of us to have taken a position of knowing what someone else should do.

Still though, we are stuck with what we said to that other person, or perhaps quite a lot of advice to quite a few others. We did say it and there's no taking it back. We have to live with that. It can be like an echo which doesn't fade away. The good news is that there may actually be a certain amount of truth in our automatically offered utterance. Remembering may add to our frustration, but there may be some hope in there for us. It's not easy, but even when surrounded by darkness and doom, with perhaps even more problems on the horizon and closing in, there may be at least a little bit of good, something encouraging or uplifting at the very edge of our vision.

If we shift our focus ever so slightly, we might be able to take it in and regain just a little bit of energy and strength, and get up again. It not that we are forgetting about the problem, we can't really do that. We may need to rest, we may need to rethink a number of things, but that little bit of difference- that slight bit of encouragement from either the outside world or maybe even from a half smile in the mirror acknowledging and laughing at our own fallibility may be enough to actually get us going again.

The down side of giving advice is that sooner or later your words will come back to you, but the good thing is that if you allow it, they may actually help- not a lot, but maybe just enough.
And So It Is.
C

~ Peace and Love ~ 和平與愛 ~ Paz e Amor ~ Vrede en Liefde ~ السلام والحب ~
愛と平和 ~ Kapayapaan ~ Frieden und Liebe ~ Pace e amore ~ 사랑과 평화!

Birthdays

A couple of close friends from work have birthdays this month.
One was last week, the other near the end of the month.
Both are very warm and sensitive people.
Yet in spite of all that they do for others simply by being around,
by giving off their warm positive energy, they don't always appreciate themselves fully.

Perhaps it is because we are taught not to be too much in love with ourselves.
That was the point of the ancient story of Narcissus.
But we really should be comfortable loving, and liking ourselves,
at the same time we are fully aware of things we might like to work on.
We all have areas of strength and areas of need and things which could be improved upon.

Even with our so-called flaws and we all have some things, usually a few things which we'd like to change, we can and should feel able and willing to love ourselves without reservation- without any conditionality. It is important, not just for us, but for those around us- those we love and care about. If we are patient and accepting of our own work-in-progress selves, we find it easier to take some of the little things in stride which others do, things which might be a little troubling or annoying. If we can remember that none of us has as yet achieved perfection, it is helpful.

No one that I know, even the most gifted, talented or insightful has finished with their journey of discovery and growth. We do sometimes get stuck, and sometimes for a long time, but life really is about learning. That is what we do.
In spite of the imperfections with mainstream learning, in spite of the fact that many come to believe that they don't enjoy learning or aren't very bright, at least in particular areas, we remain learning machines. We learn things all the time. We reinforce what we take in with own self-talk, both positive and negative. Many of the messages floating around in the mainstream media, from programming and from advertising cause of to focus on our various short-comings. Often they are trying to sell us something or move us in one direction or another. They will help us, maybe even save us, if only we will part with a few of our dollars. They will make us more complete. We might even become a little bit like super stars.

While, there are some beneficial goods and services out there, we are the ones who have to do most of the work, if we want anything to change. That is the truth. There's no way around it. There are no silver bullets, not magic elixirs which make everything right, and only a hand-full of winning lottery tickets out there. We have to do the work.

Whenever I feel my own birthday looming on the horizon, I become a bit more introspective than usual. It is still a few months away, November, but I can already feel the effects. I think about what I have done and haven't done over that past year or so. I begin an informal assessment process. I look back and look ahead. At this point in time, I am once more hopeful.
Certain outsiders might find that hard to believe. I haven't really accomplished much in terms of worldly achievements. I haven't. I have been a dreamer much more than a doer. And I went through a period when the approach of my birthday brought with it months of low energy and at times outright depression. For several years that happened.

My emotional life is far more varied than it used to be. I used to appear to be able to take everything in stride. I seemed to be able to let all kinds of stress roll off, to the amazement of many others. I was always so calm. Now I am at times quite volatile. I do have a lot of ups and downs. I went through a period of great negativity. I even found myself beginning to gossip and I made some situations worse, for myself and for others. But now, even when I slip, I catch myself pretty quickly, and I am able to regain my composure and balance fast too. I can let go of things and people easily (for a time, far too easily) and I can pick them up again, if it seems that it is appropriate for them come back into my life.

I am at peace with myself, with my lack of accomplishments and all. I have done a lot, just not a lot of the things I dreamed about.
I am currently in the process of figuring out what I did or didn't do that added to or diminished the chances of some of those things coming into existence. I am working on it. I am writing and thinking all the time and I am trying new things. All of that feels good, because I am making some progress. I am learning and growing again. Still learning and still crazy after all these years. Most of the time that is enough to make me very happy.

Birthdays are a good things, even big ones with a zero at the end.
If you orient yourself to be aware of your own growth, you really do begins to enjoy every moment of your journey. Even with the relatively new awareness that your remaining time is finite. It is all good, if you learn from it, even the unwanted obstacles. They too can provide interesting things to think about.

Thank you for such an amazing life.
C

Copyright 2010 Craig Parks

More To Come

There's nothing quite like making a long story short and if not short then shorter.
It is a great favor to one's readers.
Getting to the point, getting to what you are really feeling is what matters most.
Some of us have the capacity to go on and on. In my case it is a learned behavior.
When I was young, when everything I wrote was created like poetry,
my words were always brief and clear.
It took hours or days to write even a short piece, but I never wasted words.
Learning to fill, adding lots of detail,
and presenting things very circuitously is the direct result of academic training.

In some ways it is like my experience with drawing. I was actually better back when I was about thirteen than I am now.
I have to work and work to get to that level of directness and literal accuracy.
Some of it is being out of practice.
I don't draw every day, in every spare moment the way I did then.
Now I tend to write, in the various notebooks more often than here on the computer.
That is my raw, naked self-portrait usually done on a daily basis.
Sometimes there are many entries in a single day. It is my Zen practice.
Very little makes it out here to my blogs.
The editor cuts a lot, but I write way more than before.
I am becoming more and more liberated, consistent and disciplined as a writer.

The reason for writing this blog is to be completely fearless, in at least one aspect of my life-
to be able to show whatever it is completely, without any holding back.
The material which does make it to these pages does (I think and hope) fit that definition,
but I wish, I hope that more material will begin to appear here on a regular basis.

This is my most general portal of expression. I have some other more specialized blogs. When something new is presented, it is often launched here as well as on its own venue. I haven't really tried promoting exposure much, but it is a beginning.

Here are my other current offerings:
http://lowtidedesparados.blogspot.com/
http://lostandfoundinakayak-driftersjournal.blogspot.com/
http://alchemyfineartanddesignpatina.blogspot.com/

More will follow. Additional material is in development which deal with educational practices that are responsive to the interests and needs of students, poetry, and strategies for dealing with the stress of modern life.


I will be back to work on my day job soon, which is a source of inspiration, but also a limitation on my Wide Open time which is Summer. Mentally, I go back on August 27th.
It will be an informal, but work-related gathering. I am looking forward to getting together with people who have become very close friends, and getting to know some of the new staff better as well, but even so, with the impending end of Summer on the horizon, it makes me long for more time here in the Wide Open territory. There is much to write.

it's not exactly waiting for inspiration

It's funny how even when you may want to write something, even when you feel that slight pressure building in the back of your mind, it sometimes just isn't ready to come out. There are of course moments of laziness, but that's not what I'm talking about.

Sometimes you just have to wait, and things will come together.
Some writers refuse to allow that. They always contend that you can and should attempt to push things. Push until it happens, 'til you get what you want.
Sometimes just getting into motion is all that you need, but sometimes, you just have to wait.

All of these situations apply to the writing and the lack of it that is displayed here.
Sometimes waiting for things to come together is exactly the right thing to do. That goes against conventional wisdom and could easily be seen as an excuse for not doing something.
Not arguments there. It can often be true, but, but, but, you probably know by now that I tend to be more interested in the exceptions rather than the rules.

A Life Full of BUTs and WHAT IFs and Exceptions

I was with a friend the other night.
She was not doing too well, mostly because of the cumulative effects of stress.
I did what I could to be comforting and "there" for her,
but don't know if any of my efforts helped.
I wanted to take the weight off her shoulders, but the source of that was life itself.
The drama and demands of everyday life can often wear us down.

There are tricks and strategies for dealing with the various challenges of life. Many books and self-help courses have been created in an attempt to offer answers. I have learned a few things
I suppose, but more often than not forget to use them when my own levels of stress begin to rise.

Stress has always been around.
The earliest forms were quite literally matters of life and death.
Humans were not originally the apex predators of the planet.
Before we began to create tools and weapons, we were at the mercy of a wide array of sharp toothed enemies.

Fortunately for most of us, we no longer have to worry about being eaten by lions or crocodiles or anything else. Our stresses come from other trials. Too many emails to answer in too little time. Not enough money to go out with our friends whenever or wherever we'd like. All kinds of things.

Sometimes it is something more threatening, like not enough money for food or rent or a car needing repairs when your credit is already maxed out or so many other items which might be absolutely essential. Modern life has it's own set of perils quite distinct from those of simpler times when just staying alive was THE first priority every single day and night. When we or those we care about are afflicted by serious illnesses, that certainly adds to our pressures, and the cost of treatment often presents a whole new set of worries. Some must choose between medicine or food.

Some of the things which impact us are the result of choices we've made. Somethings we compound the ill effects of a mistake, of fate or a moment of thoughtlessness. We can often do something to make things a bit better or worse. That's what I tell myself and that's what I have sometimes said to others. But sometimes circumstances do seem to fall from the sky or it feels like nothing you try to do helps and everything just gets worse. Sometimes it seems that there is nothing to be done.

Well I don't have any answers for all of this other than to just keep trying something new if what you have been doing isn't working. Some of us get to the point of "Let go, Let God" sooner or later, but that's not the point of my thinking today. I am just including it as one of the spectrum of possibilities.

I do believe in a divine presence though I try to avoid getting into arguments about the details. My beliefs are intentionally quite loosely defined in these matters. We are all I think given challenges, but usually not more than we can handle. Sometimes though, the test is about how we behave when we are overwhelmed. Do we do more damage? Do we blame others or even behave vindictively? Do we do our best to limit the negative effects and maybe even try to save someone else even when there's no hope of us?

The person I began writing about initially is a particular person, but she could have been a number of other people. Nearly all of us have things to deal with which can and do at least momentarily overwhelm us.

It is a universal truth that we all have stresses to deal with. With these come choices to be made. We can keep things to ourselves and let it build. We can share with a trusted friend, and they will do what they can- often wishing they could do more OR feel that they are too overwhelmed themselves. There's no one answer.

Sometimes trying to help someone can push you over the edge. Some of us say yes to others when we should say no. That may well be a major source of their stress because they are simply overloaded. Some protect only themselves and cut everyone else around them loose, automatically, because they have "learned the hard way." It may seem callous and unkind but sometimes you simply have nothing left.

Each of us knows where we are in terms of our inner strength and what we have to share with others. Some need to move more in one direction. Some need to move in the other. Some have found the balance, some learn quickly, others are still making a mess of things over and over again.

There are few if any absolutes in this life.
Most of us have a strong survival instinct.
Most of us are to some extent compassionate.
We try to be helpful to others when we can.
But with most things there are usually limits to what we actually can or should do.
At the same time though, it's always important to remember that
most of us are capable of much more than we think.
Normally it is not good to sacrifice yourself to save someone else
in a situation other than an emergency of some kind.
But then those cases are often considered considered heroic.

Most of us understand that life can be complicated and that it is full of BUTS and WHAT IFs and all kinds of exceptions.