Longing For Freedom

How much time have I wasted in this life, longing for more freedom, and feeling like a prisoner?

In most cases, it is our own reaction to an obstacle or challenge that actually limits what we are able to do. We withdraw or stop trying, and begin complaining either to others or perhaps more destructively, to ourselves, rather than work to get around whatever it is, or decide to move in an entirely different direction, perhaps reverting to the path of least resistance instead of recentering, reflecting and if it's something that's genuinely important, later coming at the original problem from another angle.

As children we normally don't have the awareness or skills to really chart our own course or navigate our way through the many narrows, shoals and rocky atolls which may impede our progress, but little by little, over time, often through hard knocks, we do learn something from our mistakes. Some people learn one thing, others take away an entirely different lesson. As Joni Mitchell pointed out with her line, "...spinning out on turns- that gets you tough..." life's spills can strengthen you, but it can also be damaging or even debilitating to others.

The difference may be inherent, part of our disposition, but it may also be the result of how we were nurtured as children or how we learned to relate to our siblings and peers. Over-protective parenting can instill fear, and cause children to avoid all or most forms of risk, even intellectual or emotional ones. The very same results can come about in oppressive environments. But some kids are simply unstoppable, often to the continual dismay of both parents and teachers. These irrepressible individuals, who often put up quite a bit of resistance along the way usually turn out to either be very success in whatever path they follow or end up being hammered down by the system, because they refuse to ever bend or compromise when they find themselves pushed into a corner.

Choosing one's battles can be a genuinely wise and successful strategy. It can be a complete cop- out, where nothing is ever presumed to be worth fighting for, or at the other extreme, a predisposition to assume that every mole hill is really a mountain and calls for digging in and making what could be your last stand on a daily basis.

I believe that if we are open to the opportunities for learning offered by life, if we are able to laugh at ourselves (though not always in the moment) and of course if we get up when we fall on our face, we do grow from our experiences. When we do this, our capacity and creative potential increase as we move forward, even when it seems like our progress is of the one step forward and two or three back variety. Even then we can learn and ultimately get to a place which is at least to some extent rewarding. We may end up somewhere which is very different from what we had expected or hoped for, but it may still be a place which is good for us on a number of levels and the result of our own best efforts.

Creative types love freedom- absolute and complete freedom! When we don't feel like we have that, many of us tend to sulk, some throw a tantrum either externally, which can be quite a spectacle, but even if we do it internally, it may still manifest itself in time. The cold hard truth of the matter is that he more creative we really are, in our total, overall being, the more we can handle in terms of the many possible roadblocks of life. It is a real life test. It's important for us to not allow ourselves to get stuck in the emotional traps which may have in the past ensnared us. When or if this happens, we need to refocus our attention on attacking the problem to be solved. Then and probably only then can we hope to do something about whatever it is that's getting in our way. Engaging our secretly gigantic egos can at times like this be a tremendous resource. We can create the internal freedom we seek, even within a literal or figurative jail cell. We have the power to release ourselves, while at the same time understanding and perhaps even forgiving our oppressors.

Most of the time, those who hold us back or pull us down, have no idea just how seriously damaging their essentially negative words, actions or basic dispositions can be. They often excuse themselves from really having to look at the effect they have of others. "It's just the way I am." And it's probably just the way they will continue to be. We can no longer afford to waste time or energy hoping that they will change. We must stop sulking and get over it! We must modify our own reaction to them. We can dis-empower them completely, by realizing and affirming to ourselves, again and again, as often as necessary that no matter what anyone says or does, our lives and efforts are meaningful, even with all the inevitable mistakes and setbacks which come with being alive, if we are helping or making a positive difference in the life of even one other person. That alone is something- something worth acknowledging and something which can help to keep us going when things are the most challenging. Speaking this basic truth to the illegitimate power they may have had over us up until now can set you free. There may be things which we can and should say to these individuals, but the most important things are those we say to ourselves.

the importance of intensions

It's been a month since I have written anything here. Some of the blame can go to Blip.fm because it is just too addictive and fun. Ultimately though I just haven't been ready to commit anything to these pages- not that so many people are reading! It's a little hilarious that I would worry at all about what shows up here. My intentions are good though, I have often wanted to write, but just haven't managed it. Here comes my latest attempt.

I have been thinking that it may be very important not to assume any sort of negative intention on the part of others, especially when their words or actions impact me (or you) in a way that I (we) don't like. Making an extra effort in matters of this nature is appropriate especially when the other person has no apparent history of ill-intent.

Talking with the person, for the purpose of clarification about what you have been tempted to assume and in spite of your best efforts, have most likely begun to feel is the case is critical to avoiding or pulling out of a dangerous downward spiral. This needs to be done in a manner which is as neutral and non-threatening as possible. Great care are must be taken in this regard. At this point in time, you may not be the only one who has feelings linked to whatever it is that's going on. If you did not do a reality check right away and have instead just held things in, you may well have said, done or not done things which complicated matters and that have triggered reactions in the other person (people) and this means that much more than the original issue(s) could be tangled up together. Some intricate unraveling may be required.

In such situations, I believe that it is useful to assume a large measure of responsibility for not dealing with matters when they were less complicated, even when (from your perspective) the other person created the original problem. Working backwards, and sincerely apologizing for your part in things is necessary if you ever hope to constructively deal with the original root cause.

Being genuine is more important for YOU than for the other person. If you are unable to do this, you will never be able to proceed to where you want to be, so that you can let this other person know that they unknowingly hurt, frustrated or offended you in a subtle, yet very significant way. Remembering that this person most probably did not intend their words or actions to be interpreted in the way they were, is of critical importance. I hope that having written this will help me in what I need to do. And I hope that if you are ever in a similar situation, it will help you too.

And so it is.

questions

If you feel that a person is condescending, and you tell them that, are you then being condescending? Remember, that person probably believes that they are right about the things they think they know so well. Are you any better, just because you think you are right about them? Is thinking it or feeling it one thing, but saying it quite another?

???

Freedom

The ability to mentally try on something and consider the implications of WHAT IF is an important skill. Some may find this threatening when and if a possibility conflicts with a closely held existing belief. But in such cases, it might be useful to remember that simply considering something is quite different than automatically accepting it.

Think about the prospect of reincarnation. In some circles the topic would be wildly divisive, in others completely innocuous. I bring up the topic not to take a position, but rather to ask that you consider just one of the relatively minor bi-products of that idea- that each of us have lived and will live lives as both male and female. Opening yourself to that one idea for even a millisecond could change so much about how we see ourselves and the opposite gender. It could radically alter so many things even if we never ultimately embrace the idea of reincarnation itself. Ideas give birth to new ideas.

One of the possible answers to the eternal question of Why are we here? is that our purpose in life is to learn from life- from our own experiences and from those of others. Ideas which are forced upon others will eventually be questioned by all who have the capacity and inclination to think. This is why repressive leaders always limit access to information and attempt to control, devalue or even disable institutions of genuine learning and places where ideas are freely exchanged.

Freedom of expression is an extension of freedom of thought. The ability and willingness to ask enough probing, what if questions can and will almost always reveal the shortcomings and dangers of something. It will also show the merits of a concept which is good. Ordinary common sense often prevails if it is not interfered with. There is never anything to fear from a discussion which is open and honest and each side is actually trying to understand the reasoning of those on the other side of the issue.

But all too often, the over zealous descend into campaigns of disinformation and engage in debates deliberately designed to instill fear and create hysteria. The goal is not one of truth seeking or understanding, but rather to vilify all who hold a different perspective and make them seem somehow less-than-human. The "others" are then seen, by the "true believers" as deserving of whatever terrible fate that comes their way. They are viewed as completely unworthy of anyone's consideration or compassion.

Certain groups may quickly come to mind. Exactly who they are may differ depending on our particular orientation and priorities. What I will ask you to remember is that there are marginalized elements in every society which make use of ignorance and hate in their attempts to gain power. No nation is free from potential tyrants who if they could, silence or eliminate any and all who oppose or even question them.

Yet at the same time, in every corner of our world, there are those of deep understanding, great inner strength and profound compassion who have the very real capacity to lead us out of the darkness and help us to value and protect the ultimate freedom- being able to think for ourselves.

Vision Quest Revisited #2

1999
I was a floater
and an imaginary hunter.
I was also afraid of making anything happen.
I thought that letting things happen would spare me
the experience of having to feel guilty
for something that I did.
What happened was that
I found myself feeling bad
about things I hadn't done.


1999
...AND SOMETIMES
I WAS SIMPLY AFRAID




Afraid of the way I feel




filling the space





I must have looked like a hopeless longshot.
I don't know why she bet on me,
but I felt I had a chance to win
just because of her.


inscription on a coin
IN GOLD WE TRUST


I'd like to wake you
BUT I THINK I'LL LET YOU SLEEP




I wanted to let go and fall in love
without any holding back
I wanted to make babies with you-
I really wanted to, but I was afraid.



I did love you
as much as I was capable of
at the time,
but

I just couldn't let things get out of control.







Neither One Of Us
Understood the Other,

And That Brought About A Kind Balance.





at the time
I couldn't understand
and it really blew me away.
SHE EXPECTED ME TO LEAVE HER.
That thought refused to let go of me
for quite a long time.


She had been through a lot.
A part of her had given up long ago,
another part kept on trying
looking for someone or something
she hoped was out there.




wash me away


there's still a song inside of you
(perhaps somewhat subdued)



She Might Have

But sometimes,
with some people,
Even asking
is too much of a promise.




agreed upon boundaries

Vision Quest Revisited

In 1999 I came across a collection of poetry I had written during the mid to late 70's. After rereading the work a few times, I began to write new pieces which were in one way or another reactions to or in some ways inspired by the earlier work. I recently came upon that manuscript once again and have decide to present selected excerpts here.

In some instances, work dated 1999 or 2009 is not preceded by an earlier work. This is because the original work has been edited out of the present manuscript. All work is copyrighted by the the author, Craig Parks- 2009.

Some of the things
I've learned most about
still cause me the most confusion

1999
That doesn't bother me

Listen

Something has happened to you-
Your voice has changed
It's now very gentle

Listen for the sound of love
in your own voice




Sometimes I think it would be better if I didn't talk at all

1999
there were times
when I nearly forgot how to talk.




One day I noticed the word inherent.
My attention focused on "in her."
I opened my old dictionary.
The definition began "permanently united"
Sometimes it's like that.



What about love that seems to have lost its life?
Could it be that there is just so much unfinished business
That is getting in the way?


Note to Authors
perhaps we shouldn't do anything to our characters
that we wouldn't want done to ourselves.

2009
causing your characters to suffer
when there is no good reason for it
may well be a form of pornography-
without any redeeming value.


If you give your love expecting
something in return- perhaps you are trading
and not really giving

Maybe trading is OK
IF you and the other person know that
that is what you are doing




AFRAID to be who you really are?


There we were
With nothing but our emptiness
There we were
Hurting in all the same places







more next time... if you like

Twittascope

From time to time I share a Tarot reading which is more often than not done for myself, but which seems like it may be of value for others as well. What follows at the bottom of the page is my Twittascope reading for today. Though it is meant for me, it may well be good for you to keep in mind too.

As I have grown older, I have become more and more liberated. I tend to do what I want more than ever before. I try to feed and nurture myself creatively and minimize experiences which work against my overall well-being. Even so, I still sometimes I find myself feeling the need to explain what I'm thinking or feeling or why I doing something. But it usually doesn't matter to anyone else. They normally neither need nor even want to know. They are usually too preoccupied with their own stuff. Most of the time it's only important for me. This might be true for you as you do what you need to be doing each and every day. Have a good one. Do what you need to do.
Let's each make the most of OUR time.

Your approach to taking care of yourself is different from everyone else's, but you know what you need and should be able to get it. Don't waste your time and energy explaining your motives to your friends or family; just make the most of the present opportunity. Finding personal satisfaction in a way that's uniquely yours will refresh your soul and rejuvenate your body.

Weighing Your Options

Recently, a number of old friends and other acquaintances who have drifted away over time, have come back into my life. It has been fun and interesting to see each of them, especially since most are attractive women whose reappearance seemed to be correlated with the departure of my most recent girlfriend. There are now many opportunities to fill the space left by her absence. I don't, however, have a lot of money right now, and just getting through the summer is a significant goal, and that tends to slow things down somewhat, but that's a whole other story.

I have found myself saying, "Hey, I'd like to get together with ____ , that would be fun." and it would be, but then realized that there's something else I really would rather do more or would just like to keep that time for myself. At times like that, I'm really glad that I tend to move more slowly than most other people.

Much of life is about making choices, we always have options- decisions to make. Some people I really, really do want to see whenever that's a possibility, others I like seeing now and then, some I prefer limiting our interactions to professional matters, and some, when I really stop and think about it, know that it's better if they remain as part of my past, no matter how alluring, available or tempting they may be in a moment of weakness.

Fortunately most of my friends have lots of social options. It's a little depressing to think of those who don't, but they are either individuals who want things that way or are the ones who tend to be overly dependent. I am no longer very tolerant of that latter way of being. It is sad, and I'm not without some compassion, but that is their life lesson to learn and work through, not yours or mine. Sacrificing one's life for your children or certain other individuals in a genuine emergency is one thing and would be done without hesitation by many of us, but displacing your life and what you need to do, on an ongoing basis, just because another person is bored or has no imagination is no way to live. Been there and done that. Being The Giving Tree is not very rewarding, unless it is your desire to be left as a stump, with all that you were or could have been, cut away and lost, perhaps forever. Most of us are fortunately, pretty resilient and that means that new branches will grow even when we've given away far too much in the past.

We all need to take care of and nurture ourselves, so that we CAN help others and be of value to the world. If we neglect our own needs for too long or too often, we will simply wither away and won't be able to help anyone.

Progress Report

I have managed to continue with the organization of my space for the past two days. There is much to do still, but acknowledging progress is part of how you keep yourself moving forward. Rewarding yourself with little breaks is too, but you do have to keep yourself focused and ask-what do I really want and need to be doing right now? Sometimes there is a conflict between the want and the need, but sometimes that is only on a surface level.

Deep down, what we want for ourselves is aligned with what we need to be doing and also deep down there, we know it. Connecting with that awareness requires a little quiet time. If you're not used to doing that, it can take a little practice, but don't give up easily. Try it and try again. The doors will open. With just a few attempts, the mental clutter does tend to clear away and you begin to see.
c

Getting Down To Business

This is the eighth month-time to get down to business. In numerology, the number eight carries with it a business-like, professional or organized approach to things. I am in the process of cleaning up and organizing my home/studio. This type of maintenance is frequently neglected by creative types. We tend to either jump in without always thinking things through and don't always look back until it's too late, or we think about something endlessly and have a hard time making up our minds or sometimes never make a decision. Preparing or repairing one's personal and professional environments is vitally important to our overall creative potential and productivity. Think of it as something similar to taking time to prepare a canvas properly. Many of us when we were younger have had the experience of being impatient in these matters and later regretted our haste. Of course one can buy already prepared canvases just as one can hire someone to clean up after us or organize our space. But I want to suggest that going through this process yourself is of value and will build much needed skills if done consistently over time. Working within a somewhat chaotic environment may be fine with many of us-for a while. We can do it for quite a long time, but eventually a lot of creative types to accumulate too much clutter- a kind of critical mass. When this happens, we may not be able to find things we need. For the person who keeps an organizational map of everything in their head, finding yourself in this situation can be very frustrating. Sometimes we end up buying a second or third tool which we already have. It may take time to realize that we need to do something about this, because we're often amused by ourselves and some of us are particularly slow learners, but eventually we begin to see the need and understand that there may be some benefit to taking care of certain things. Reinventing the wheel can be beneficial from time to time, it can even be the source of new discoveries, but it is not an efficient way to get things done on a daily basis, nor is it a good way to get around to the things you really love, especially if don't have enough time in you day/ life and you're having to redo something you may have already put a lot of time and energy into because you misplaced it.

Anyway, that's what I'm telling myself as I try to get things straightened up around here. Even baby steps can be encouraging, but today I actually did a lot. Breakfast with a friend who is always a ray of sunshine and then seeing an inspiring movie 500 Days of Summer, then coming home and getting back to cleaning and sorting, then working on several small sculptures, and writing quite a bit too. It was a very satisfying day.
c

Tarot

Earlier today I drew a card for myself.
It was the Six of Wands inverted.
This card, when in the upright position indicates that one will be getting some sort of recognition or acknowledgement.
In the inverted position it could mean that your efforts may go unnoticed or you may not get the answer or news you were hoping for.

For me this meant that no matter what, I should not become discouraged or give up. The possibilities included both personal and professional matters. It could be either or both, but it doesn't really matter. The point is to avoid being derailed or stopping because of an unfavorable response. Perhaps you or I will have to make some adjustments or fine tune things and try again, but trying again is what's important. It's like a writer getting a rejection letter. You can't let that stop you. It is just a part of that life. It is part of every life.
Think of the song: I Get Knocked Down. The line that follows is But I get up again.

Now all I have to do is remember it and hold myself to this.
c

Looking Ahead

Here are a few up coming topics:

• Wide Open Defined
• Almost all of us are just finding our way as we go
• Will you pass on the pain that comes your way?
• Pushing through our own self-imposed limitations

On Being Fearless

Becoming fearless is so multidimensional. It seems simple enough at first, right? just be brave, but there's more too it than that. There's actually a lot of subtlety and introspection required.
c

Experts will probably debate their definition of terms as to whether or not our current economic situation is actually another Great Depression for many years to come. Some may be more willing to use that particular label a little later, after we have come out the other side, feel safer and are not in danger of undermining the level of societal confidence even further.

To me, it's not so much what one calls something, but rather what effect something has.
Prior to this, before our current downturn, thoughts of the Great Depression were often linked to parents or grandparents who went through that period and how they were forever changed by it. Most became very thrifty and hardworking, even if they had not necessarily been that way before. Even after good times returned, which came with a world war and was not so good for those most closely and directly involved, when things did eventually get better, many were still wary. They were careful about all that they did. They did not waste their money on extravagance.


Our own "Roaring Twenties" were marked by more and more luxury items becoming available. We spent freely, because many of us were doing better than we ever had. Larger homes, bigger cars or SUVs, and second homes or at least time shares became common. There was a lot of discretionary spending. Why hold back on anything? There was a lot of money to be made. It was fast and easy. Even our government began to move toward not only encouraging, but compelling us to get into the market and forget about social security. Making a quick buck was what was important. buy low, sell high. Quality was still available, but at a premium price. Customer loyalty was old fashioned notion. Old time, small business couldn't compete with mega-stores, and closed their doors. Start up entrepreneurs dreamed of being bought out by larger firms. But the bubble did burst and most people were forced to wake up.

A lot of us are rethinking everything. And that may be our best hope for a brighter future, but still there are those who would like assist us in racing to the bottom if they can make a profits for themselves while doing so, even if it means that many others will ultimately suffer. I may be wrong, but it seems that the leaders of many those large businesses which have managed to thus far weathered the storm don't realize how much things have changed.

Discretionary spending, both minor and on a larger scale has diminished. That won't really come back. Yes, almost all of us do still like treating ourselves to little rewards and getting things for those we love, and spending more on special occassions, but not nearly as much as before. We are really prioritizing, and not buying everything we see. Those firms which are able to understand this and adapt to these changes will survive. Those which can not will wither away and take their place with the other relics of the past and remain only as memories of the good old days. Sustainability on a personal level and on world wide scale, has become a very real issue and is now a matter of survival.

Lesson from Twitter

If I'm not really careful, I have a tendency to go on and on, to include a lot of unnecessary detail and sometimes take forever to get to the point. It is more likely to happen when I am talking, but even when writing, I sometimes say much more than I need to. So, I am trying to be more brief and concise. And PERHAPS it will help me to be more productive in the long run, because it's usually easier to get a small piece of writing into shape than a longer one. I don't write that much on twitter, but having to now and then has forced me to put things into smaller packages, and I think that may be a good thing.
c

Juice

For some time, a part of me wanted to disappear-to slip off into the distance and withdraw from almost everything, at least for a while. More than anything I just wanted to write, even more than make art. I considered a number of possibilities, building a studio on some land that my mom has up in the Northeastern corner of California, moving out of state to some obscure place where the cost of living is exceptionally low and perhaps working as a substitute teacher, and I considered teaching English overseas.

Yes, I knew that I would miss my family and close friends, and that they would not like the idea. Even so, I thought that it might be good, good for me. I am a person with escapist tendencies, it’s true, but more than that, more importantly, I felt that it would allow me to fully concentrate my energies. Life often gets in the way of art.
Growing older has forced me to become more aware of the finite nature of our time. If there’s a way to do what you really want to be doing, you should- right now if at all possible.

But the demands of daily life do tend to get in the way-if you let it. It doesn’t need to be that way. Not if we are truly creative, resourceful, and on the highest and most conscious level, responsible. What has tended to happen to me and to others I know is that we slip into feeling sorry for ourselves when it appears that the inevitable obstacles of life get in the way of what is it we say we want for ourselves.
Some of us have a history of giving up far too easily. It’s time to get tough.

Most of us have at one time or another taken jobs or even spent years preparing for careers which were far from being our first love. Some are able to make this a temporary situation, while others settle in for life. Once in a while we can find themselves longing for what might have been in the best of all possible worlds. Even so, the creative person usually remains filled with “juice” which little by little, permeates, enriches and enlivens what might be an otherwise dull, or even dead end job/ existence. Though not always valued by tradition-bound peers or bosses, they do in fact become remarkable practitioners. The more aware of their colleagues and bystanders can’t help but notice and sometimes even give praise for the exceptional way in which something is done.

I have few friends who are remarkably talented artists of one sort or another, some with a great deal of formal training and others with lots of raw talent who are no longer producing their art. Viewed from one perspective, it is sad. It is a small tragedy, but it is always a person’s choice, even when they don’t understand that. Most however remain very creative and adaptable people, so all is not lost. They do make the lives of those around them better and for most the flood gates of creativity will eventually open again at some point in their future. Aches and pains aside, growing older offers many wonderful promises and potential rewards.

One of the most talented and conscious of my artist friends who is not presently painting or doing sculpture, made the deliberate decision to shift her focus from fine art to living every aspect of her life more creatively isn’t waiting around. It seems that her efforts are paying off already. She seems happier and more connected with life and humanity than ever before and is really attempting to do some good with her time and energy. Once a week, she cooks with whatever is available in a women's shelter and turns the random ingredients into a delicious feast for the residents.
I salute you Linda.

As for me, even though it looks as though I will need to get a second part time job for the summer, I am not worried or upset about what is being lost. The juice will still flow no matter what I’m doing, no matter where I’m at. And even if I’m totally exhausted at the end of the day, I will still find time and energy to write in my journal, take walks at the beach, find wonderful rocks and pieces of driftwood, make a few pieces of art, work on a story or two and connect with my friends and family. I know that through and through, and that is more than enough to make me happy. And so it is.

Open Call for Creative Responsibility

Don't blame our problems on corrupt or inept leaders, or even the bean counters who have now become high priests, and dehumanize decision making into a cost-benefit analysis. They are guilty of a great deal, but we have allowed these people to do what they do. We have only ourselves to blame. WE, the artists and all other creative types generally shy away from the worlds of business, politics, law and every other seat of power in society. We leave it to others.

Who is it who aspires to power? Usually, they are individuals who are motivated by self interest rather than by any sense of public duty. Or they might also have come out of some highly energized special interest, sub group who believes that they have The Answer which everyone else should be made to comply with.

We, the ones with creative juices coursing through our veins, might lend our support to genuinely worthwhile causes here and there, but still usually remain for the most part, elevated above it all. We channel the bulk of our considerable power and resourcefulness into "our work." I do it. It is what I prefer and enjoy more than almost anything else. It is an expression of hope for a perfect world where I have the luxury of concentrating only on such things. It is also a source of personal healing and renewal. And it can be beneficial to others as well.

But the sad truth is, we are at the point when very little time remains. It's not that the end is upon us, but the end of our insulated lives of oblivion is quickly approaching. We need to look around, and decide what sort of action is right for each of us, while there is still time to make any difference.

Those of us who are the most capable of seeing other possibilities need to begin stepping up and helping to lead the way. It is time for us to recognize that we have a Creative Responsibility toward the world. This doesn't mean that we stop doing what we love, but we can't hide away in our own little worlds any longer. It's time to come out, and kick some ass in all of the various competitive arenas we have tended to avoid. It doesn't matter that fair play is non-existent out there. We are the Creators and more than anyone else on the planet, we have the power to change things, if we make use of our abilities. We need to become tougher and prepare for battle. We need to begin to think of ourselves as soldiers. We will be become warriors motivated by a love of our world, and of the creative life which can empower and nourish all who embrace it.

Tarot/ Real Life Follow Up

I believe I have found a good balance point with regard to the need to act before the window of opportunity closes. Not too much and not too little, but most significant for me is simply not just letting go of the possibility. That would be my normal response during a period of "recovery" such as this.

She IS expecting to hear from me later. More details down the road, if and when anything actually worth mentioning unfolds. That will be late Summer or sometime in the Fall. She'll be away for some time and I am very busy. In a way, it's perfect. I am very pleased with these particular results- not being dead in the water sulking, but not going through the motions with no real enthusiasm either. And I am not closing the door on other possibilities. I don't think I will ever do that again, until I feel really certain about someone. And it feels like that will take a while longer than this last time around.

Tarot

Ace of Cups (inverted)
In the upright position, this card would indicate a new beginning in the realm of one's emotional life. With this orientation though, it seems that I have gotten stuck, or am not moving forward.
Taking time to rest can be of value, so being stuck for a little while is fine,
but if the situation seems to persist, then it's time to look beneath the surface.
Is there a fear which has been draped in logical reasons which is keeping you from what you want or need to do?
Are you just hanging onto your pain and perhaps in a strange way, taking comfort from it?
Your questions might be different, but each of us, deep down, knows what we need to ask
and what things we hide behind.


In my particular case, I have been going through the motions, but have not really been open to anyone new, but that situation could be about to change.

Just yesterday, I felt a very unexpected spark pass between me and someone I would have never imagined. Surprises can be very nice, but the window of opportunity will close quickly in this instance. Will I act or let the opportunity pass? "He who hesitates is lost." vs. "Haste makes waste." What's the worst that could happen? Perhaps I'll find out, in the next few steps on this wide open journey.

More on Collaboration

Self selected groups or teams which gravitate together often have a shared vision and benefit from a history of success in other ventures. This provides a tremendous head start over groups which have been arbitrarily thrown together as well as many carefully "designed" teams.

The most significant variables are mutual respect or the lack of it, and a preoccupation with getting credit for ones self, or conversely, a concern that someone else will get the glory that they deserve. The successful team enjoys working together and understands that by collaborating they help to inspire and propel each other forward, while the group which is made up of individually competitive members believes that there can only be one winner and that helping another actually reduces their chances of success. Often they see a cooperative or collaborative nature in another as something to be taken advantage of.

Tarot

Seven of Swords (inverted)
Five of Cups (inverted)

Both cards are quite similar. If they had been in the upright position, each would indicate more was lost than gained from a particular event or encounter- that you were left in a weakened state.

In this case, however, the position reverses the meaning. The challenge, disappointment or crisis has left you stronger, both in terms of personal and worldly power, but also more confident and empowered in the emotional realm. Both indicate growth as the result of adversity.

Collaboration

6-15-09.2
Too often, a group or organization which seeks to have its members collaborate, emphasizes form/formality over flow (the actual process of higher level collaboration)

Sadly, this tends to shackle more often than it facilitates quality work being done.

Real collaboration is built upon freely flowing relationships where high levels of trust and playfulness exist. Pettiness is normally non-existent. Participants in groups which work well do not feel threatened or slighted. The presence of these reactions/emotions is an indicator of a dysfunctional group.

Beginning Tarot

I am sharing cards which have been drawn for me, but may also be of use to you .

6-14-09
The World:
Everything continues to change. No matter what's happening, however good or bad, sooner or later, it could and probably will be entirely different, perhaps unrecognizably so. We need to be adaptable (able to learn from mistakes) and resilient. These are probably our most important life skills.

6-15-09
Seven of Wands (inverted)
I am lowering my guard and relaxing in those situations which are not genuinely threatening.
I am releasing the related assumptions and accompanying tension which I was carrying unnecessarily.