maybe this is true...

...at least in this particular instance.
I am returning to life,
reopening myself.

I had pretty much shut down all non-essential contact with the world.
I had withdrawn more and more into my cave.
I was attempting to sort through the last several years and see what if anything I wanted from life.
If others approached, I would often pull back  more,
inside,
while trying to explain,
usually unsuccessfully.

But I have reversed course,
and surprise, surprise, I am enjoying myself quite a lot.

The credit really goes to one person,
but I realize that saying that could place quite a heavy burden on her shoulders.
And I don't want to do that.
So, I need to say a bit more.

When a woman approaches me, I can take forever to get passed my fear of getting pulled into 
a situation which will be difficult and painful to get out of. And in those rare cases when I have eventually come around and felt OK, she has lost interest and moved on, or even more sadly, gone back 
into a not so good relationship which she had left, or was trying to.


When I approach someone, it's  just the opposite. I am certain about everything, and feel that no obstacle in insurmountable, and she's thrown off by the fact that I "just know" so early on.  
I have a gift for scaring women away by saying too much, too soon,
about how amazing and wonderful and beautiful they are.

Perhaps it's the downside of being a poet, that when you think you've found "the one," it feels as if you've been waiting your entire life to find this particular person so that you can shower her with all these hopes, thoughts and feelings which you have been collecting over the years and saving just for her.

In spite of that inherent disposition/ disability, I  remain cautiously optimistic in general-
not about getting what I had hoped for from this woman,
but just optimistic about finding my way, and maybe 
or maybe not 
really connecting with someone deeply somewhere along my journey.


I am trying to make certain that even though what I had begun to hope for 
doesn't look like it's going to happen, that I will not pull back and hide
for an extended period of time as I have in the past.
I have withdrawn momentarily in the last few days,
but I don't feel like hiding.
I think that, I will want to try again.
I am disappointed, because what I imagined was something wonderful,
beyond anything I've ever known in the real life, non-dream world,
but still I more charged up than torn down,
I feel inspired rather than defeated.


That is part of what's so different.
That  I want to remain out here, in contact with the richness of life,
even if it means getting knocked around.
I want to be around all the  people I know and care about, drawing inspiration and hope from then,
but also trying to help when one of them is struggling, or needs something that I can help with.
And I had stopped doing that. But I am back.

I  know that  no matter what, even though what I had hoped would be so wonderful didn't turn out that way  that it's still be OK- that I'm OK.
That I won't want to check out of life again.

I Really Love Everything.
Wherever I look, I see so much that is truly inspiring,
even when I am looking at things which are sometimes quite unpleasant, or even tragic.
Everywhere, heroic people are trying to change things,
trying to make their small part of the world better.

And wherever I look, I see love as well.
I'm aware of  all the deception and manipulation, and what happens because of that,
how that spirals outward, and downward sometimes in a way that might seem endless,
but here and there, remarkable  people manage to break that cycle.
Some do it themselves, some help others to change their lives, and beat the odds,
even when the game appears to be rigged.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I am hopeful. And that I will continue to remain that way.
I am back to being me, and I like it.

walking

For some time I have known that proceeding from point A to point B is not my preferred processes.
I can do it when I need to, but I generally do it unless I must.

What I realized while walking at the beach, taking photos, collecting things and generally just looking around, slowly was that this is the way I would like to walk all the time. Stopping frequently to look around and ponder what is there at my feet and off in the distance. I walk like an egret, whenever I am able to. My thought process may be quite similar too.

convergence

I recently realized that the most important aspects of my personal journey through life, and my professional one overlap far more than I had ever imagined. Though the outer trappings are different, the inner dynamics and the learning processes are so similar. Writing the back story for the upcoming poetry collection and doing the same for a small nonfiction book about my work with children and other teachers are turning out to be almost identical tasks. It is very interesting to me.

Why So Sad, Little One?