Low Tide Desparados- a preview

When I first realized that Claire and Marilyn had such similar personalities, it wasn't overwhelming. It didn't even strike me as that significant. But then I began to notice more and more about their basic dispositions that were almost identical. It was then that it hit me, and I knew that it was already too late.

I didn't want to run. That's what was so surprising. I had over the last few years, become the master of the great escape. If someone wasn't interested, it didn't matter. No big deal. Just let go and move on.

And if it seemed like it mattered a little too much, if they wanted more than I could give, well then it was time to pull back and little by little begin distancing myself.
And hope that they didn't really notice or weren't too upset.
But they usually did, and they usually were.
But that was life. C'est La Vie.
That's what I had learned from the last several years of being single.

When I first became separated after nearly twenty years of marriage, I was NOT looking for anyone new. I didn't have any fantasy going on in the back of my mind about buying a Porsche and dating young, beautiful women or even older ones. I just wanted peace and quiet- and time to make art with perhaps write a poem or two now and then if the inspiration overtook me. That's what I wanted.

But fate has a way of interfering with the very best of our logical plans of smooth sailing.
When I first met Marilyn, I was not attracted to her At All. Period.
My first impression was that she didn't know how to dress for the kind of job that she was applying for. I mean, come on. This was kindergarten. And I had already found the person that I wanted to work with. I was certain about that. Marilyn was a last minute arrival to the pool of new teacher candidates and I considered the whole business of meeting with her a mere formality.

When my boss told me that she actually felt that this young women who had just returned to the country after teaching overseas for three years was in her opinion more complimentary and a better balance to my own strengths, I was disappointed. I was more than a little upset with my boss. More than a little upset for quite some time.

But little by little...
My opinion of this new kid, half my age, began to soften.
I hadn't been mad at her, I may have even overcompensated. Trying to be nice, because I was so angry with my boss. But that's what tends to happen with brand new principals. So often, they believe they need to control every move that everyone in the school makes. It's terrible. Especially after having an administrator who trusted you to do what you knew was best for the kids.

After a little while I did begin to like Marilyn quite a bit. She was a good kid, but still, I didn't find her to be especially attractive. I did notice that she always wore push up bras, but I notice details like that.
I'm usually a pretty good observer. Hey, I'm a sculptor.

Marilyn seemed to enjoy working with me too, and always tried to be helpful and supportive.
That was part of the job, it worked both ways. Each of us tried to be helpful to the other.


What was interesting was that in this kind of situation, I was usually the listener. All of my other women partners had done most of the talking. I was good at listening, and always comfortable with it. But Marilyn was a listener too. She had been since she was young. She had been a shy, skinny little girl who wore glasses and learned a great deal by simply listening.
An Expert Listener. Just like me, only better it seems.

Like me (at that time) Marilyn never liked to give away too much information about herself. Somehow, she managed to get me to do the majority of the talking. She probably knew twice as much about me as I knew about her. And Marilyn managed to keep it that way. In fact the balance became even more one-sided than before after my ex and I separated.

I remember saying, "You must be so bored."
She answered, "No, you need to talk."
So I talked and she listened.
Hour after hour, day after day, week after week.

We settled into that.
I came to depend on it
and like it.

We were always together.
Lunches, after hours. Always talking and talking.
Even going out drinking with my friends after work now and then.
We were very comfortable together.
It still didn't hit me that she was so attractive
and that I was drawn to her so emotionally
until one day , it was on a Wednesday, I think,
when she told me that she needed to drive up to San Francisco
over the weekend and wasn't really looking forward to it.

As I replayed her words a moment later and then several more times,
I began to wonder if she wanted me to come with her,
and that perhaps she wanted something more than just
someone to help keep her awake as she drove.

I couldn't stop myself from thinking about what it might me, even though I told myself again and again that it couldn't be true.
That there was just no way.
But it seemed like, maybe
it
could be.
We did like being together.
Not knowing
wondering
if it really could be true
changed everything.

When I saw her again on Monday, I learned that she had gotten sick
from fast food she thought.

If I had gone along that might not have happened.
We probably would have stopped and eaten at a real restaurant.
Was it a sign?
Should I have gone?
I actually felt a little guilty.
At the end of the day
(it took a long long time to come)
when the children left, Marilyn did more of the talking than usual.
She went on for a while. I just waited, adding an insignificant comment
or question here and there.
I was waiting for her to finish so that I could tell her what had happened-
to explain that even though I was pretty sure I was wrong
about her wanting me to come along,
the whole thing of wondering had changed the way I saw her
and I wanted her to go out with me.

I was a little nervous. I knew that she'd probably say no, but I had to say it.
Our relationship was based on being able to say whatever we needed to say.
It was about being honest with each other.
And I thought that it was the sort of thing she'd rather know than not know.
Later she might have wished I had just kept it all to myself and maybe bury it.
But that's not what happened.
She seemed surprised, but not uncomfortable.
She did say that we couldn't go out, because we were partners.
And for a time, it seemed like everything was back to normal.

Then one day, about two weeks later, I said to her,
"Marilyn, I really like you, and I want you to go out with me."
I had expected another no. I had prepared myself for that.
I felt that I was saying what I needed to say-
just to get it out
and not leave that feeling pent up inside of me.

But much to my surprise she smiled cautiously and quietly said, "OK."

I couldn't believe it.
I don't remember anything else that we said.
I think I was so completely stunned.
I do remember something later, walking at the beach by myself-
Actually, I was walking down the long hill, between the Chevron refinery and the Department of Water and Power generating station before I got to the beach. It's not the most picturesque place, but I was so happy. There were three tankers out in the bay. I had never before seen more than two.
I took it as a sign. Thank you, Chevron!
It seemed like something magical.

to be continued at the Low Tide Desparados blog site here on Blogger



copyright 2010 Craig Parks

It's Been A While Once Again

Perhaps I should just rename the blog. Hmmm
It is puzzling. I love to write. I write often- all the time in fact.
But I haven't been writing here.
I like writing here.

There are people who are waiting for more stuff,
even though they are for whatever reason
not officially following.

I have been pretty busy at work and
with things in my own life
but even so
most of my time does go toward thinking.

In my story Low Tide Desparados (copyright 2010-Craig Parks) most of what I have been working on would have to fall into the cluster of chapters currently known as Much Ado About Nothing. I have been writing a great deal, and it has come forth easily, but even so, it has been a struggle because I haven't been sure about what I wanted. Where I wanted my life to go.

I am torn- between a longing for contact, and at times, yes, even perhaps love, and the need to do my stuff. In the previous post I made reference to having never been able to be in a relationship and do my stuff. I tend to give away all my time. Usually quite willingly- at first.
It is further complicated by the fact that I am ordinarily not that efficient to begin with. I can think logically, plan ahead, sort and classify and straighten up my space and my life, but I tend not to. I prefer to just float and flow. I do that other stuff when I need to. I don't do it unless I see a need to.
Just this morning, I did a lot of long term planning in my calendar for next year.
I will do things like that, but then float for a quite while.

I should be shopping for a new phone. Lots of friends and family members have lost patience with me and my worthless phone. I think about doing it. I even make feeble attempts, but I don't keep going 'til the task is off the list. Part of it is not wanting to sign a new contract.
I like crossing things off the list.
But I guess I don't like it that much.

I am more emotional these days. There have been more ups and downs in the last nine years than in the previous fifty! I took everything in stride, without getting excited or agitated or particularly happy or sad. Now I still pretty much deal with whatever comes my way, But, I am often very frustrated or in the depths of despair. I am happy too, often, but it is the down side that I now notice more. I really used to be an eternal optimist. I was a half-full person, no matter what. I am not now. I am easily discouraged. I can go to work happy and come home sad or the other way around. And I don't believe I am bipolar. What happens with me operates a bit differently. If something is able to catch my attention and interest I am then fine. I can pull myself out, instantaneously- well, usually- Not always.

Not always.
For someone like me, there is a certain safety in allowing yourself to be attracted to women who are in one way or another unavailable. They may actually provide quite a bit of what you are seeking, but without the risks. Or so I tell myself.
Part of why I get worked up OR Down these days has to do with women. "If I become involved with xoxoxo I will probably have to look for another job because I can't afford... "
So it begins, sometimes over and over again.
Hence the Much Ado About Nothing.
I mean really!

I neven imagined that xoxoxo would really respond

or I should have known better than to consider the possibility

We're almost like twins,
we're polar opposites!
wrong and sometimes right on all counts.
what a mess.

What to do when someone who was formerly just an impossible dream begins to (maybe, but how can I be sure) seem more like a real possibility???
What do I do then?

Am I just afraid?
I don't have a problem looking stupid, I don't

but I don't want anyone to become uncomfortable
I have been there.
We got through it, yes,
but it was bad.
It put a lot of unnecessary stress and strain on both of us.
It happened more than once, several different times
when I wasn't even chasing after someone or chasing after someone else.
I don't like complications, but
I guess it's difficult to avoid them
unless you avoid all contact.

Hey,
that's what I have been trying to do.

I have been pulling back from just about everyone.
Almost. Only one exception.
One of the impossible ones,
but she grants me quite a bit of access and almost never calls a time out
or gives me any penalties.
She is a dream girl, isn't she?
Too good to be true?
Perhaps.
If she ever was r e a l l y
totally
and completely available,
what them?

Would I run and hide-
Just out of habit?

I don't always run or hide. I don't.
Sometimes I pull it together. Sometimes I decide to stick around and see what happens.

"Don't be afraid of xoxoxo
Don't be afraid of oxoxox either(very real and not just a dream-
and therefore actually terrifying.
She's possibly waiting but not necessarily much longer
to see if I am ever going to actually make a move.

It will be Okay. What's the worst that could happen?
In some ways she's actually safer than you know who. It will be Okay.

Just relax. Relax and rest. Nothing has to happen right now, you still have some time."

I need to take a rest

You need to Wake Up and start doing things differently.
You need to decide what you want and go for it!

I don't think I can.
Deep down I want to leave town and build my little house and studio on that vacant land
next to the National Forest...
and forget about everything.

and just dream of the impossible one(s)

and let go of all the more likely candidates.

You know she would be a great partner, she would.

What would you really be giving up?
Maybe a lot of time you spend floating on your couch.

She'd probably push you to write and paint or do whatever you want,
just so you would be happy.
And she'd wouldn't be afraid to tell you when you were full of shit. She's not afraid of you.
And you would just need to be there for her and honest with her too.
You are good at that. You are a great partner when you want to be.
And you know a lot more now.
More about really being emotionally nurturing,
not just theoretically, but really person to person.
You know a lot that you didn't know before.

The several unnamed women taught you quite a lot, but it's all going to waste.

Do I have a responsibility to be with someone?

You are free dude!
Why on Earth would you want to toss that away?
Are you nuts? You come home from work every day and you get to do whatever you want.
No one complaining,
no one telling you you need to do this or that.
Why ruin everything?

But when she hugged me, Afterwards I... Oh, it was...

It wasn't anything!
It's just been a while for both of you
You were both feeling that.
It was just basic chemistry
Each of you could have been almost anyone else.
It doesn't mean anything.

Look, if you end up doing it, just do it. Enjoy it and be done with it.
No need for any of that commitment crap.

Last time around that's what I said. That's what we both said. That how it began.
We were just dating.
She wasn't asking for anything more.

It was you, sucker!
YOU blew it.
You were the one who began to cling to her
and wanted to wake up with her in the morning.



By now, you may have gotten a sense of the ridiculousness of my life.
I probably should just stick to writing about my imaginary adventures.
I can rewrite everything that doesn't work.
I can control my characters- well most of them.
Some keep making the same stupid mistakes again and again.

I wonder if any of this dribble will make up for the lack of writing here in the last few months.
Perhaps I should just stick to the paper journals that get stacked in the corners.

?
?
?

Oh well, even if it wasn't so good, it was an attempt.
Hmmm