The Down Side of Giving Advice

In many meditation and metaphysics classes there is an expression which is often used- "What you give is what you get." The normal meaning of the phrase requires no special explanation. It is an easily grasped and important concept. I believe however that I have stumbled upon a more subtle extension of the principle.

When we give advice to another, such as to try and see the wonder and beauty in our daily lives- a path often strewn with obstacles, set backs and what may seem to be in the worst cases even tragedies, it can come back to us. We may find that we're faced with a number of challenges or at least things we wish we didn't have to deal with, and then we remember our advice. Those carelessly tossed out words, not necessarily well thought out, but still, with the best of intentions. If things are particularly difficult, we may want to dismiss whatever advice we tried to pass along, feeling that it was really stupid and arrogant of us to have taken a position of knowing what someone else should do.

Still though, we are stuck with what we said to that other person, or perhaps quite a lot of advice to quite a few others. We did say it and there's no taking it back. We have to live with that. It can be like an echo which doesn't fade away. The good news is that there may actually be a certain amount of truth in our automatically offered utterance. Remembering may add to our frustration, but there may be some hope in there for us. It's not easy, but even when surrounded by darkness and doom, with perhaps even more problems on the horizon and closing in, there may be at least a little bit of good, something encouraging or uplifting at the very edge of our vision.

If we shift our focus ever so slightly, we might be able to take it in and regain just a little bit of energy and strength, and get up again. It not that we are forgetting about the problem, we can't really do that. We may need to rest, we may need to rethink a number of things, but that little bit of difference- that slight bit of encouragement from either the outside world or maybe even from a half smile in the mirror acknowledging and laughing at our own fallibility may be enough to actually get us going again.

The down side of giving advice is that sooner or later your words will come back to you, but the good thing is that if you allow it, they may actually help- not a lot, but maybe just enough.
And So It Is.
C

~ Peace and Love ~ 和平與愛 ~ Paz e Amor ~ Vrede en Liefde ~ السلام والحب ~
愛と平和 ~ Kapayapaan ~ Frieden und Liebe ~ Pace e amore ~ 사랑과 평화!

Birthdays

A couple of close friends from work have birthdays this month.
One was last week, the other near the end of the month.
Both are very warm and sensitive people.
Yet in spite of all that they do for others simply by being around,
by giving off their warm positive energy, they don't always appreciate themselves fully.

Perhaps it is because we are taught not to be too much in love with ourselves.
That was the point of the ancient story of Narcissus.
But we really should be comfortable loving, and liking ourselves,
at the same time we are fully aware of things we might like to work on.
We all have areas of strength and areas of need and things which could be improved upon.

Even with our so-called flaws and we all have some things, usually a few things which we'd like to change, we can and should feel able and willing to love ourselves without reservation- without any conditionality. It is important, not just for us, but for those around us- those we love and care about. If we are patient and accepting of our own work-in-progress selves, we find it easier to take some of the little things in stride which others do, things which might be a little troubling or annoying. If we can remember that none of us has as yet achieved perfection, it is helpful.

No one that I know, even the most gifted, talented or insightful has finished with their journey of discovery and growth. We do sometimes get stuck, and sometimes for a long time, but life really is about learning. That is what we do.
In spite of the imperfections with mainstream learning, in spite of the fact that many come to believe that they don't enjoy learning or aren't very bright, at least in particular areas, we remain learning machines. We learn things all the time. We reinforce what we take in with own self-talk, both positive and negative. Many of the messages floating around in the mainstream media, from programming and from advertising cause of to focus on our various short-comings. Often they are trying to sell us something or move us in one direction or another. They will help us, maybe even save us, if only we will part with a few of our dollars. They will make us more complete. We might even become a little bit like super stars.

While, there are some beneficial goods and services out there, we are the ones who have to do most of the work, if we want anything to change. That is the truth. There's no way around it. There are no silver bullets, not magic elixirs which make everything right, and only a hand-full of winning lottery tickets out there. We have to do the work.

Whenever I feel my own birthday looming on the horizon, I become a bit more introspective than usual. It is still a few months away, November, but I can already feel the effects. I think about what I have done and haven't done over that past year or so. I begin an informal assessment process. I look back and look ahead. At this point in time, I am once more hopeful.
Certain outsiders might find that hard to believe. I haven't really accomplished much in terms of worldly achievements. I haven't. I have been a dreamer much more than a doer. And I went through a period when the approach of my birthday brought with it months of low energy and at times outright depression. For several years that happened.

My emotional life is far more varied than it used to be. I used to appear to be able to take everything in stride. I seemed to be able to let all kinds of stress roll off, to the amazement of many others. I was always so calm. Now I am at times quite volatile. I do have a lot of ups and downs. I went through a period of great negativity. I even found myself beginning to gossip and I made some situations worse, for myself and for others. But now, even when I slip, I catch myself pretty quickly, and I am able to regain my composure and balance fast too. I can let go of things and people easily (for a time, far too easily) and I can pick them up again, if it seems that it is appropriate for them come back into my life.

I am at peace with myself, with my lack of accomplishments and all. I have done a lot, just not a lot of the things I dreamed about.
I am currently in the process of figuring out what I did or didn't do that added to or diminished the chances of some of those things coming into existence. I am working on it. I am writing and thinking all the time and I am trying new things. All of that feels good, because I am making some progress. I am learning and growing again. Still learning and still crazy after all these years. Most of the time that is enough to make me very happy.

Birthdays are a good things, even big ones with a zero at the end.
If you orient yourself to be aware of your own growth, you really do begins to enjoy every moment of your journey. Even with the relatively new awareness that your remaining time is finite. It is all good, if you learn from it, even the unwanted obstacles. They too can provide interesting things to think about.

Thank you for such an amazing life.
C

Copyright 2010 Craig Parks

More To Come

There's nothing quite like making a long story short and if not short then shorter.
It is a great favor to one's readers.
Getting to the point, getting to what you are really feeling is what matters most.
Some of us have the capacity to go on and on. In my case it is a learned behavior.
When I was young, when everything I wrote was created like poetry,
my words were always brief and clear.
It took hours or days to write even a short piece, but I never wasted words.
Learning to fill, adding lots of detail,
and presenting things very circuitously is the direct result of academic training.

In some ways it is like my experience with drawing. I was actually better back when I was about thirteen than I am now.
I have to work and work to get to that level of directness and literal accuracy.
Some of it is being out of practice.
I don't draw every day, in every spare moment the way I did then.
Now I tend to write, in the various notebooks more often than here on the computer.
That is my raw, naked self-portrait usually done on a daily basis.
Sometimes there are many entries in a single day. It is my Zen practice.
Very little makes it out here to my blogs.
The editor cuts a lot, but I write way more than before.
I am becoming more and more liberated, consistent and disciplined as a writer.

The reason for writing this blog is to be completely fearless, in at least one aspect of my life-
to be able to show whatever it is completely, without any holding back.
The material which does make it to these pages does (I think and hope) fit that definition,
but I wish, I hope that more material will begin to appear here on a regular basis.

This is my most general portal of expression. I have some other more specialized blogs. When something new is presented, it is often launched here as well as on its own venue. I haven't really tried promoting exposure much, but it is a beginning.

Here are my other current offerings:
http://lowtidedesparados.blogspot.com/
http://lostandfoundinakayak-driftersjournal.blogspot.com/
http://alchemyfineartanddesignpatina.blogspot.com/

More will follow. Additional material is in development which deal with educational practices that are responsive to the interests and needs of students, poetry, and strategies for dealing with the stress of modern life.


I will be back to work on my day job soon, which is a source of inspiration, but also a limitation on my Wide Open time which is Summer. Mentally, I go back on August 27th.
It will be an informal, but work-related gathering. I am looking forward to getting together with people who have become very close friends, and getting to know some of the new staff better as well, but even so, with the impending end of Summer on the horizon, it makes me long for more time here in the Wide Open territory. There is much to write.

it's not exactly waiting for inspiration

It's funny how even when you may want to write something, even when you feel that slight pressure building in the back of your mind, it sometimes just isn't ready to come out. There are of course moments of laziness, but that's not what I'm talking about.

Sometimes you just have to wait, and things will come together.
Some writers refuse to allow that. They always contend that you can and should attempt to push things. Push until it happens, 'til you get what you want.
Sometimes just getting into motion is all that you need, but sometimes, you just have to wait.

All of these situations apply to the writing and the lack of it that is displayed here.
Sometimes waiting for things to come together is exactly the right thing to do. That goes against conventional wisdom and could easily be seen as an excuse for not doing something.
Not arguments there. It can often be true, but, but, but, you probably know by now that I tend to be more interested in the exceptions rather than the rules.

A Life Full of BUTs and WHAT IFs and Exceptions

I was with a friend the other night.
She was not doing too well, mostly because of the cumulative effects of stress.
I did what I could to be comforting and "there" for her,
but don't know if any of my efforts helped.
I wanted to take the weight off her shoulders, but the source of that was life itself.
The drama and demands of everyday life can often wear us down.

There are tricks and strategies for dealing with the various challenges of life. Many books and self-help courses have been created in an attempt to offer answers. I have learned a few things
I suppose, but more often than not forget to use them when my own levels of stress begin to rise.

Stress has always been around.
The earliest forms were quite literally matters of life and death.
Humans were not originally the apex predators of the planet.
Before we began to create tools and weapons, we were at the mercy of a wide array of sharp toothed enemies.

Fortunately for most of us, we no longer have to worry about being eaten by lions or crocodiles or anything else. Our stresses come from other trials. Too many emails to answer in too little time. Not enough money to go out with our friends whenever or wherever we'd like. All kinds of things.

Sometimes it is something more threatening, like not enough money for food or rent or a car needing repairs when your credit is already maxed out or so many other items which might be absolutely essential. Modern life has it's own set of perils quite distinct from those of simpler times when just staying alive was THE first priority every single day and night. When we or those we care about are afflicted by serious illnesses, that certainly adds to our pressures, and the cost of treatment often presents a whole new set of worries. Some must choose between medicine or food.

Some of the things which impact us are the result of choices we've made. Somethings we compound the ill effects of a mistake, of fate or a moment of thoughtlessness. We can often do something to make things a bit better or worse. That's what I tell myself and that's what I have sometimes said to others. But sometimes circumstances do seem to fall from the sky or it feels like nothing you try to do helps and everything just gets worse. Sometimes it seems that there is nothing to be done.

Well I don't have any answers for all of this other than to just keep trying something new if what you have been doing isn't working. Some of us get to the point of "Let go, Let God" sooner or later, but that's not the point of my thinking today. I am just including it as one of the spectrum of possibilities.

I do believe in a divine presence though I try to avoid getting into arguments about the details. My beliefs are intentionally quite loosely defined in these matters. We are all I think given challenges, but usually not more than we can handle. Sometimes though, the test is about how we behave when we are overwhelmed. Do we do more damage? Do we blame others or even behave vindictively? Do we do our best to limit the negative effects and maybe even try to save someone else even when there's no hope of us?

The person I began writing about initially is a particular person, but she could have been a number of other people. Nearly all of us have things to deal with which can and do at least momentarily overwhelm us.

It is a universal truth that we all have stresses to deal with. With these come choices to be made. We can keep things to ourselves and let it build. We can share with a trusted friend, and they will do what they can- often wishing they could do more OR feel that they are too overwhelmed themselves. There's no one answer.

Sometimes trying to help someone can push you over the edge. Some of us say yes to others when we should say no. That may well be a major source of their stress because they are simply overloaded. Some protect only themselves and cut everyone else around them loose, automatically, because they have "learned the hard way." It may seem callous and unkind but sometimes you simply have nothing left.

Each of us knows where we are in terms of our inner strength and what we have to share with others. Some need to move more in one direction. Some need to move in the other. Some have found the balance, some learn quickly, others are still making a mess of things over and over again.

There are few if any absolutes in this life.
Most of us have a strong survival instinct.
Most of us are to some extent compassionate.
We try to be helpful to others when we can.
But with most things there are usually limits to what we actually can or should do.
At the same time though, it's always important to remember that
most of us are capable of much more than we think.
Normally it is not good to sacrifice yourself to save someone else
in a situation other than an emergency of some kind.
But then those cases are often considered considered heroic.

Most of us understand that life can be complicated and that it is full of BUTS and WHAT IFs and all kinds of exceptions.

Low Tide Desparados- a preview

When I first realized that Claire and Marilyn had such similar personalities, it wasn't overwhelming. It didn't even strike me as that significant. But then I began to notice more and more about their basic dispositions that were almost identical. It was then that it hit me, and I knew that it was already too late.

I didn't want to run. That's what was so surprising. I had over the last few years, become the master of the great escape. If someone wasn't interested, it didn't matter. No big deal. Just let go and move on.

And if it seemed like it mattered a little too much, if they wanted more than I could give, well then it was time to pull back and little by little begin distancing myself.
And hope that they didn't really notice or weren't too upset.
But they usually did, and they usually were.
But that was life. C'est La Vie.
That's what I had learned from the last several years of being single.

When I first became separated after nearly twenty years of marriage, I was NOT looking for anyone new. I didn't have any fantasy going on in the back of my mind about buying a Porsche and dating young, beautiful women or even older ones. I just wanted peace and quiet- and time to make art with perhaps write a poem or two now and then if the inspiration overtook me. That's what I wanted.

But fate has a way of interfering with the very best of our logical plans of smooth sailing.
When I first met Marilyn, I was not attracted to her At All. Period.
My first impression was that she didn't know how to dress for the kind of job that she was applying for. I mean, come on. This was kindergarten. And I had already found the person that I wanted to work with. I was certain about that. Marilyn was a last minute arrival to the pool of new teacher candidates and I considered the whole business of meeting with her a mere formality.

When my boss told me that she actually felt that this young women who had just returned to the country after teaching overseas for three years was in her opinion more complimentary and a better balance to my own strengths, I was disappointed. I was more than a little upset with my boss. More than a little upset for quite some time.

But little by little...
My opinion of this new kid, half my age, began to soften.
I hadn't been mad at her, I may have even overcompensated. Trying to be nice, because I was so angry with my boss. But that's what tends to happen with brand new principals. So often, they believe they need to control every move that everyone in the school makes. It's terrible. Especially after having an administrator who trusted you to do what you knew was best for the kids.

After a little while I did begin to like Marilyn quite a bit. She was a good kid, but still, I didn't find her to be especially attractive. I did notice that she always wore push up bras, but I notice details like that.
I'm usually a pretty good observer. Hey, I'm a sculptor.

Marilyn seemed to enjoy working with me too, and always tried to be helpful and supportive.
That was part of the job, it worked both ways. Each of us tried to be helpful to the other.


What was interesting was that in this kind of situation, I was usually the listener. All of my other women partners had done most of the talking. I was good at listening, and always comfortable with it. But Marilyn was a listener too. She had been since she was young. She had been a shy, skinny little girl who wore glasses and learned a great deal by simply listening.
An Expert Listener. Just like me, only better it seems.

Like me (at that time) Marilyn never liked to give away too much information about herself. Somehow, she managed to get me to do the majority of the talking. She probably knew twice as much about me as I knew about her. And Marilyn managed to keep it that way. In fact the balance became even more one-sided than before after my ex and I separated.

I remember saying, "You must be so bored."
She answered, "No, you need to talk."
So I talked and she listened.
Hour after hour, day after day, week after week.

We settled into that.
I came to depend on it
and like it.

We were always together.
Lunches, after hours. Always talking and talking.
Even going out drinking with my friends after work now and then.
We were very comfortable together.
It still didn't hit me that she was so attractive
and that I was drawn to her so emotionally
until one day , it was on a Wednesday, I think,
when she told me that she needed to drive up to San Francisco
over the weekend and wasn't really looking forward to it.

As I replayed her words a moment later and then several more times,
I began to wonder if she wanted me to come with her,
and that perhaps she wanted something more than just
someone to help keep her awake as she drove.

I couldn't stop myself from thinking about what it might me, even though I told myself again and again that it couldn't be true.
That there was just no way.
But it seemed like, maybe
it
could be.
We did like being together.
Not knowing
wondering
if it really could be true
changed everything.

When I saw her again on Monday, I learned that she had gotten sick
from fast food she thought.

If I had gone along that might not have happened.
We probably would have stopped and eaten at a real restaurant.
Was it a sign?
Should I have gone?
I actually felt a little guilty.
At the end of the day
(it took a long long time to come)
when the children left, Marilyn did more of the talking than usual.
She went on for a while. I just waited, adding an insignificant comment
or question here and there.
I was waiting for her to finish so that I could tell her what had happened-
to explain that even though I was pretty sure I was wrong
about her wanting me to come along,
the whole thing of wondering had changed the way I saw her
and I wanted her to go out with me.

I was a little nervous. I knew that she'd probably say no, but I had to say it.
Our relationship was based on being able to say whatever we needed to say.
It was about being honest with each other.
And I thought that it was the sort of thing she'd rather know than not know.
Later she might have wished I had just kept it all to myself and maybe bury it.
But that's not what happened.
She seemed surprised, but not uncomfortable.
She did say that we couldn't go out, because we were partners.
And for a time, it seemed like everything was back to normal.

Then one day, about two weeks later, I said to her,
"Marilyn, I really like you, and I want you to go out with me."
I had expected another no. I had prepared myself for that.
I felt that I was saying what I needed to say-
just to get it out
and not leave that feeling pent up inside of me.

But much to my surprise she smiled cautiously and quietly said, "OK."

I couldn't believe it.
I don't remember anything else that we said.
I think I was so completely stunned.
I do remember something later, walking at the beach by myself-
Actually, I was walking down the long hill, between the Chevron refinery and the Department of Water and Power generating station before I got to the beach. It's not the most picturesque place, but I was so happy. There were three tankers out in the bay. I had never before seen more than two.
I took it as a sign. Thank you, Chevron!
It seemed like something magical.

to be continued at the Low Tide Desparados blog site here on Blogger



copyright 2010 Craig Parks

It's Been A While Once Again

Perhaps I should just rename the blog. Hmmm
It is puzzling. I love to write. I write often- all the time in fact.
But I haven't been writing here.
I like writing here.

There are people who are waiting for more stuff,
even though they are for whatever reason
not officially following.

I have been pretty busy at work and
with things in my own life
but even so
most of my time does go toward thinking.

In my story Low Tide Desparados (copyright 2010-Craig Parks) most of what I have been working on would have to fall into the cluster of chapters currently known as Much Ado About Nothing. I have been writing a great deal, and it has come forth easily, but even so, it has been a struggle because I haven't been sure about what I wanted. Where I wanted my life to go.

I am torn- between a longing for contact, and at times, yes, even perhaps love, and the need to do my stuff. In the previous post I made reference to having never been able to be in a relationship and do my stuff. I tend to give away all my time. Usually quite willingly- at first.
It is further complicated by the fact that I am ordinarily not that efficient to begin with. I can think logically, plan ahead, sort and classify and straighten up my space and my life, but I tend not to. I prefer to just float and flow. I do that other stuff when I need to. I don't do it unless I see a need to.
Just this morning, I did a lot of long term planning in my calendar for next year.
I will do things like that, but then float for a quite while.

I should be shopping for a new phone. Lots of friends and family members have lost patience with me and my worthless phone. I think about doing it. I even make feeble attempts, but I don't keep going 'til the task is off the list. Part of it is not wanting to sign a new contract.
I like crossing things off the list.
But I guess I don't like it that much.

I am more emotional these days. There have been more ups and downs in the last nine years than in the previous fifty! I took everything in stride, without getting excited or agitated or particularly happy or sad. Now I still pretty much deal with whatever comes my way, But, I am often very frustrated or in the depths of despair. I am happy too, often, but it is the down side that I now notice more. I really used to be an eternal optimist. I was a half-full person, no matter what. I am not now. I am easily discouraged. I can go to work happy and come home sad or the other way around. And I don't believe I am bipolar. What happens with me operates a bit differently. If something is able to catch my attention and interest I am then fine. I can pull myself out, instantaneously- well, usually- Not always.

Not always.
For someone like me, there is a certain safety in allowing yourself to be attracted to women who are in one way or another unavailable. They may actually provide quite a bit of what you are seeking, but without the risks. Or so I tell myself.
Part of why I get worked up OR Down these days has to do with women. "If I become involved with xoxoxo I will probably have to look for another job because I can't afford... "
So it begins, sometimes over and over again.
Hence the Much Ado About Nothing.
I mean really!

I neven imagined that xoxoxo would really respond

or I should have known better than to consider the possibility

We're almost like twins,
we're polar opposites!
wrong and sometimes right on all counts.
what a mess.

What to do when someone who was formerly just an impossible dream begins to (maybe, but how can I be sure) seem more like a real possibility???
What do I do then?

Am I just afraid?
I don't have a problem looking stupid, I don't

but I don't want anyone to become uncomfortable
I have been there.
We got through it, yes,
but it was bad.
It put a lot of unnecessary stress and strain on both of us.
It happened more than once, several different times
when I wasn't even chasing after someone or chasing after someone else.
I don't like complications, but
I guess it's difficult to avoid them
unless you avoid all contact.

Hey,
that's what I have been trying to do.

I have been pulling back from just about everyone.
Almost. Only one exception.
One of the impossible ones,
but she grants me quite a bit of access and almost never calls a time out
or gives me any penalties.
She is a dream girl, isn't she?
Too good to be true?
Perhaps.
If she ever was r e a l l y
totally
and completely available,
what them?

Would I run and hide-
Just out of habit?

I don't always run or hide. I don't.
Sometimes I pull it together. Sometimes I decide to stick around and see what happens.

"Don't be afraid of xoxoxo
Don't be afraid of oxoxox either(very real and not just a dream-
and therefore actually terrifying.
She's possibly waiting but not necessarily much longer
to see if I am ever going to actually make a move.

It will be Okay. What's the worst that could happen?
In some ways she's actually safer than you know who. It will be Okay.

Just relax. Relax and rest. Nothing has to happen right now, you still have some time."

I need to take a rest

You need to Wake Up and start doing things differently.
You need to decide what you want and go for it!

I don't think I can.
Deep down I want to leave town and build my little house and studio on that vacant land
next to the National Forest...
and forget about everything.

and just dream of the impossible one(s)

and let go of all the more likely candidates.

You know she would be a great partner, she would.

What would you really be giving up?
Maybe a lot of time you spend floating on your couch.

She'd probably push you to write and paint or do whatever you want,
just so you would be happy.
And she'd wouldn't be afraid to tell you when you were full of shit. She's not afraid of you.
And you would just need to be there for her and honest with her too.
You are good at that. You are a great partner when you want to be.
And you know a lot more now.
More about really being emotionally nurturing,
not just theoretically, but really person to person.
You know a lot that you didn't know before.

The several unnamed women taught you quite a lot, but it's all going to waste.

Do I have a responsibility to be with someone?

You are free dude!
Why on Earth would you want to toss that away?
Are you nuts? You come home from work every day and you get to do whatever you want.
No one complaining,
no one telling you you need to do this or that.
Why ruin everything?

But when she hugged me, Afterwards I... Oh, it was...

It wasn't anything!
It's just been a while for both of you
You were both feeling that.
It was just basic chemistry
Each of you could have been almost anyone else.
It doesn't mean anything.

Look, if you end up doing it, just do it. Enjoy it and be done with it.
No need for any of that commitment crap.

Last time around that's what I said. That's what we both said. That how it began.
We were just dating.
She wasn't asking for anything more.

It was you, sucker!
YOU blew it.
You were the one who began to cling to her
and wanted to wake up with her in the morning.



By now, you may have gotten a sense of the ridiculousness of my life.
I probably should just stick to writing about my imaginary adventures.
I can rewrite everything that doesn't work.
I can control my characters- well most of them.
Some keep making the same stupid mistakes again and again.

I wonder if any of this dribble will make up for the lack of writing here in the last few months.
Perhaps I should just stick to the paper journals that get stacked in the corners.

?
?
?

Oh well, even if it wasn't so good, it was an attempt.
Hmmm

It's been a while!

I can't believe it. I suppose that there were some reasonably good excuses around the holidays, just about everyone is really busy and often overwhelmed then, but it has not been a long, long time since I have written anything here. I have made an attempt or two now and then. While driving to work, I am often filled with both the desire and inspiration to write, write write, but do I pull over. Almost never. Once in a while I will stop for a really compelling photo. And that is more often than not a cloud up in the sky!

Writing is something I consider to be of great importance, but lately I just don't seem to be able to get it together, other that a few short, and inconsistent ventures back into the world of poetry and fiction, but even Patty, my most current muse who was also the sole reader has seen my juices dry up before her eyes.

I have felt myself giving up little by little- losing hope. There are some small victories here and there, things which are or should be encouraging and empowering, but mostly I am just plodding along, and at times feeling sorry for myself. I have attempted to motivate myself by promising to do good things in the time which is left. Exactly what that means need not be so cryptic. I have felt at the end of the day that there isn't much point. I would like to start over, and begin my life anew. But I can't seem to get things together enough to make that transition.

There are some promising possibilities out there, on both the personal and professional horizons, but at times I feel that I am just too far gone. I sometimes wonder whether I can't or don't even really want to alter my path to nowhere. I feel trapped so much of the time, and even when I realize that I am my own jailor, I simply don't have the energy to do what I should do to make things better, or not enough of them in a consistent and sustained manner. My efforts are intermittent, with huge gaps just as with this blog.

For a long time I wanted to write about the value and importance of being able to be naked, or fearlessly and completely open with someone, preferably with another, but if not, then at least with yourself. It is important, that you have someone with whom you feel safe and able to be completely honest around. I once tried to explain this to two of my younger colleagues while having coffee. I don't know if either understood, but I really hoped that they did. I suspect that they thought it was a nice thing to wish for, but not very realistic. Neither really commented on the matter.

Nearly everyone has too much going on in their lives, so much so, that it is difficult for us to make time for everything that is important to us after we take care of those things we need to do. Some of us hope to cheat the system by not always taking care of the necessities, and jumping instead to doing what we love first, more or less eating our desert first, but that is not a sustainable or healthy practice.

On this Valentines Day, my thoughts shift back and forth between some of the ones who got away, and a person or two who might be future prospects, but then I tend to just give up after awhile, in much the same way I do after looking at Plentyoffish.com or YahooPersonals. I look for a few moments and then find myself feeling that it's all a waste of time.

I have never been able to be in a relationship and do my art and writing consistently, but even now while unattached, and theoretically free to do whatever I want, I am back to being aimless and adrift. I have not excuse and no one else to blame. When I do manage to work on something, it is momentarily quite satisfying, but I can't seem to maintain the momentum. I let down. The demands of daily life drain off so much energy, but when I think back, to other times, years ago when there were absolutely no demands of any kind, I did squander so, so much of my time. Learning To Do Things, Rather Than Just Think or Dream May Well Be The Most Essential Of All Life Skills For A Creative Person.