I can't believe it. I suppose that there were some reasonably good excuses around the holidays, just about everyone is really busy and often overwhelmed then, but it has not been a long, long time since I have written anything here. I have made an attempt or two now and then. While driving to work, I am often filled with both the desire and inspiration to write, write write, but do I pull over. Almost never. Once in a while I will stop for a really compelling photo. And that is more often than not a cloud up in the sky!
Writing is something I consider to be of great importance, but lately I just don't seem to be able to get it together, other that a few short, and inconsistent ventures back into the world of poetry and fiction, but even Patty, my most current muse who was also the sole reader has seen my juices dry up before her eyes.
I have felt myself giving up little by little- losing hope. There are some small victories here and there, things which are or should be encouraging and empowering, but mostly I am just plodding along, and at times feeling sorry for myself. I have attempted to motivate myself by promising to do good things in the time which is left. Exactly what that means need not be so cryptic. I have felt at the end of the day that there isn't much point. I would like to start over, and begin my life anew. But I can't seem to get things together enough to make that transition.
There are some promising possibilities out there, on both the personal and professional horizons, but at times I feel that I am just too far gone. I sometimes wonder whether I can't or don't even really want to alter my path to nowhere. I feel trapped so much of the time, and even when I realize that I am my own jailor, I simply don't have the energy to do what I should do to make things better, or not enough of them in a consistent and sustained manner. My efforts are intermittent, with huge gaps just as with this blog.
For a long time I wanted to write about the value and importance of being able to be naked, or fearlessly and completely open with someone, preferably with another, but if not, then at least with yourself. It is important, that you have someone with whom you feel safe and able to be completely honest around. I once tried to explain this to two of my younger colleagues while having coffee. I don't know if either understood, but I really hoped that they did. I suspect that they thought it was a nice thing to wish for, but not very realistic. Neither really commented on the matter.
Nearly everyone has too much going on in their lives, so much so, that it is difficult for us to make time for everything that is important to us after we take care of those things we need to do. Some of us hope to cheat the system by not always taking care of the necessities, and jumping instead to doing what we love first, more or less eating our desert first, but that is not a sustainable or healthy practice.
On this Valentines Day, my thoughts shift back and forth between some of the ones who got away, and a person or two who might be future prospects, but then I tend to just give up after awhile, in much the same way I do after looking at Plentyoffish.com or YahooPersonals. I look for a few moments and then find myself feeling that it's all a waste of time.
I have never been able to be in a relationship and do my art and writing consistently, but even now while unattached, and theoretically free to do whatever I want, I am back to being aimless and adrift. I have not excuse and no one else to blame. When I do manage to work on something, it is momentarily quite satisfying, but I can't seem to maintain the momentum. I let down. The demands of daily life drain off so much energy, but when I think back, to other times, years ago when there were absolutely no demands of any kind, I did squander so, so much of my time. Learning To Do Things, Rather Than Just Think or Dream May Well Be The Most Essential Of All Life Skills For A Creative Person.
