A Definition Of What I Mean By "Wide Open"

With a title like Wide Open, one might assume that my posts could be completely raw- unedited and uncensored. And while almost anything is at least theoretically possible, it is my hope that these pages will prove to be a bit more meaningful than that.

I write all the time, most of the time every day, whenever I have the inclination and opportunity. This forum draws heavily from the thoughts and feelings contained in my journals. Obviously though, there's a great deal in the journals which doesn't make it into this or any of my other more specialized blogs. Most of what I write is primarily for me, from the poetry to the non-fiction pieces. I share some. I do at times craft something for a particular audience or even an individual, but even so, the motivation for beginning a project usually goes back to the fact that it was something I wanted to explore for my own understanding.

Wide Open for me implies a high degree of honesty- integrity.

It means that I don't hold anything back just to make it safe or more sanitary.

Everything is presented in the spirit of exploration and a genuine effort to dig beneath the surface of first impressions, sound bites and occasionally even a few long held assumptions.

There are many things I don't choose to share, but when I do present something here, I make the attempt to present everything about a topic that I believe will be interesting or useful to a potential reader other than myself. I generally don't tend to trash anything or anyone. Instead, I feel that it's more productive to quietly and clearly raise questions. Hopefully no yelling and screaming here.

It is my hope that people of many differing perspectives will eventually visit here and find this environment hospitable, even when we might disagree about something.

I think that's is a worthwhile aspiration.

For some time, I've been wanting to try to clarify things somewhat and define my terms.

Thanks for the occasional read and for pointing others in this direction.

My next task is to try to publish more frequently and consistently. I do have quite a back log of material. With more than forty years of journal entries to draw from plus a continuous stream of new ponderings, there's no shortage of supply here. Time, Time Time- are you just an illusion?

Perhaps I will one day learn to stretch you just a bit more.

something new

I have just published a little story which was originally intended to be a children's picture book.

I am producing it now under a Creative Commons License which allows others to reproduce and add to the work for non-commercial purposes as long as they credit the source.

See kingoftheblackbirds@blogspot.com

It's my hope that art students will illustrate their own version of the story and that young writers will create their own sequel.

I have small collection of my early poems which is currently available through createspace.com and amazon.com

The book is called This IS Not A Sad Song- I am just remembering.

That book is copyrighted, but during the Summer of 2012 I will be setting up an interactive site similar to the kingoftheblackbirds.blogspot.com one. It will be an interactive platform which invites not only readers comments, but perhaps more importantly the presentation of short works by other writers who were inspired by something from This Is Not A Sad Song.

Helping the creative juices of the world to flow more freely is more important to me than selling a few extra books here and there. I believe that the open source movement can be beneficial to artists, writers and every creative person. Simply having your work seen by many who might not ever know about it can be important. In the long run it could help you get to where you hope to go.

It would be easy slip into thinking

that you would allow me to say or do anything.

Yes, ANYTHING,

as long as I did so discreetly,

without embarrassing you.

I know that you do trust me completely

because I have never done more

than was OK with you.

All the little things which you have allowed

the very small gifts,

the sharing of intimate information-

probably meaningless to most anyone else,

but significant to us,

and some real

or imagined

moments of genuine tenderness.

I did begin to think that there was only one thing keeping us apart.

But the truth is,

that there may well be some limits

inside your heart-

Doors you don't want me to ever try opening.

Things you really might NOT WANT

me to say or do-

not just too much

or too soon,

but Not At All- Period!

That may be.

That may be.

And I have to face that possibility.

But, I also can't quite contain myself-

can't keep myself from considering the what ifs:

What if it feels every bit as unbelievable, yet wonderful to you

just as it does to me.

What if you are just as terrified of this whole thing as I am?

And what if you are not completely sure about me-

about what I want and what I am promising-

if anything at all.

And what if we could get past all that.

Would things be worse,

and even more uncertain

less secure

than they are right now

Could I give you a better life?

With more stress and strain

would I long for

and then run?

Off to my old friend,

Freedom-

my only real and true friend ever-

until I met you.

What are we to do?

Just ignore it all?

Pretend we feel nothing?

Pretend we do not recognize

what is impossible for a single second

to forget.

That it is as if we have always known

and loved each other.

Always-

Down through the centuries,

perhaps from the beginning of time

and on into forever.

We are an eternal thread of human affection

Maybe

but maybe it's all just another dream inside my head.

And you're no more real than anyone else.

I don't know.

You seem like THE ONE,

but I don't know.

Do you?

4th of July Meditation

July 4, 2011

South Redondo Beach

Low Overcast, almost foggy in some places near the water line

Meditation after coffee and a beach walk with Linda

Linda and I find a relatively secluded spot on the otherwise crowded beach.

Linda sets her iphone alarm for thirty minutes.

I take a few notes to myself and move back and forth between states a few times before settling in:

I imagine myself swimming just beneath the surface heading out toward

the drop off. For the most part I swim using my legs with only an occassional stroke or two

from my arms. I find myself deliberately slowing the pace of the kicking in an effort to be more relaxed. I decide to use as little energy as possible.

I realize that at this pace I will use up the entire time just getting to the edge

that I am headed for, so I make a mental leap to that destination and am there.

I give one last kick and begin to slowly move my arms diving deeper into the darker waters.

I notice that there is no sea life, then suddenly see a dolphin who seems to be welcoming me.

She swims nearby and then departs. I have a sense that she will be around if needed.

Before too long I see a shark. Not especially large, or particularly threatening. A Blue I think,

not really dangerouls, but still bigger than I am. We both attempt to circle the other. It soon departs.

In a little while a slightly larger white shark appears.

It too attempts to begin a closing circle manuever toward me. I head directly for it

and at the last moment flip backward 180 degrees and kick it in the snout. The beast takes off

and I feel victorious, for a moment, but before it has gone far it turns and heads back toward me.

This time it's coming straight at me. I am no longer as confident as I had been,

but continue to respond instinctively. I too swim toward my opponent. This time I hit the creature with my fist, right on the opening of one of it's smell receptors. It turns away quickly and scrapes my hand as it goes.

I rest motionless for an undeterminable amount of time contemplating the roughness of the shark's skin. Then in the distance I see it. A very large great white. Larger than I ever imagined. I remain still. Something tells me to do nothing. I remain as I have been.

I think that it will help if I close my eyes so that I don't panic so easily if it, no, no

when it comes closer.

I have accepted this encounter.

I deserve whatever happens. I shouldn't have tried to hurt that other shark.

I am not trying to get away. I am open to whatever happens.

I welcome this experience, no matter what.

I decide to reopen my eyes and see the shark moving toward me very slowly.

It is barely moving. It's mouth is open. I feel it's tongue touching my stomach.

It is tasting me. After a moment, it opens it's mouth wider and turns to leave, but scratches me

on both back and abdomen in several places, but they really are only scratches.

Linda is still deep in her meditation when I come out of the surf. As the water drips off of my skin, I realize

that I am naked. I think to myself. I hope she doesn't mind that I have nothing on, but just then I am back sitting beside her fully clothed. My left leg is beginning to fall asleep. I stretch it out slowly, and sensation starts to return and I look over at Linda.

Her eyes are open, but she is looking out to sea. I look down at my green tee shirt, glad that no blood is seeping through. Linda would not want any on the seats of her car.

The Down Side of Giving Advice

In many meditation and metaphysics classes there is an expression which is often used- "What you give is what you get." The normal meaning of the phrase requires no special explanation. It is an easily grasped and important concept. I believe however that I have stumbled upon a more subtle extension of the principle.

When we give advice to another, such as to try and see the wonder and beauty in our daily lives- a path often strewn with obstacles, set backs and what may seem to be in the worst cases even tragedies, it can come back to us. We may find that we're faced with a number of challenges or at least things we wish we didn't have to deal with, and then we remember our advice. Those carelessly tossed out words, not necessarily well thought out, but still, with the best of intentions. If things are particularly difficult, we may want to dismiss whatever advice we tried to pass along, feeling that it was really stupid and arrogant of us to have taken a position of knowing what someone else should do.

Still though, we are stuck with what we said to that other person, or perhaps quite a lot of advice to quite a few others. We did say it and there's no taking it back. We have to live with that. It can be like an echo which doesn't fade away. The good news is that there may actually be a certain amount of truth in our automatically offered utterance. Remembering may add to our frustration, but there may be some hope in there for us. It's not easy, but even when surrounded by darkness and doom, with perhaps even more problems on the horizon and closing in, there may be at least a little bit of good, something encouraging or uplifting at the very edge of our vision.

If we shift our focus ever so slightly, we might be able to take it in and regain just a little bit of energy and strength, and get up again. It not that we are forgetting about the problem, we can't really do that. We may need to rest, we may need to rethink a number of things, but that little bit of difference- that slight bit of encouragement from either the outside world or maybe even from a half smile in the mirror acknowledging and laughing at our own fallibility may be enough to actually get us going again.

The down side of giving advice is that sooner or later your words will come back to you, but the good thing is that if you allow it, they may actually help- not a lot, but maybe just enough.
And So It Is.
C

~ Peace and Love ~ 和平與愛 ~ Paz e Amor ~ Vrede en Liefde ~ السلام والحب ~
愛と平和 ~ Kapayapaan ~ Frieden und Liebe ~ Pace e amore ~ 사랑과 평화!

Birthdays

A couple of close friends from work have birthdays this month.
One was last week, the other near the end of the month.
Both are very warm and sensitive people.
Yet in spite of all that they do for others simply by being around,
by giving off their warm positive energy, they don't always appreciate themselves fully.

Perhaps it is because we are taught not to be too much in love with ourselves.
That was the point of the ancient story of Narcissus.
But we really should be comfortable loving, and liking ourselves,
at the same time we are fully aware of things we might like to work on.
We all have areas of strength and areas of need and things which could be improved upon.

Even with our so-called flaws and we all have some things, usually a few things which we'd like to change, we can and should feel able and willing to love ourselves without reservation- without any conditionality. It is important, not just for us, but for those around us- those we love and care about. If we are patient and accepting of our own work-in-progress selves, we find it easier to take some of the little things in stride which others do, things which might be a little troubling or annoying. If we can remember that none of us has as yet achieved perfection, it is helpful.

No one that I know, even the most gifted, talented or insightful has finished with their journey of discovery and growth. We do sometimes get stuck, and sometimes for a long time, but life really is about learning. That is what we do.
In spite of the imperfections with mainstream learning, in spite of the fact that many come to believe that they don't enjoy learning or aren't very bright, at least in particular areas, we remain learning machines. We learn things all the time. We reinforce what we take in with own self-talk, both positive and negative. Many of the messages floating around in the mainstream media, from programming and from advertising cause of to focus on our various short-comings. Often they are trying to sell us something or move us in one direction or another. They will help us, maybe even save us, if only we will part with a few of our dollars. They will make us more complete. We might even become a little bit like super stars.

While, there are some beneficial goods and services out there, we are the ones who have to do most of the work, if we want anything to change. That is the truth. There's no way around it. There are no silver bullets, not magic elixirs which make everything right, and only a hand-full of winning lottery tickets out there. We have to do the work.

Whenever I feel my own birthday looming on the horizon, I become a bit more introspective than usual. It is still a few months away, November, but I can already feel the effects. I think about what I have done and haven't done over that past year or so. I begin an informal assessment process. I look back and look ahead. At this point in time, I am once more hopeful.
Certain outsiders might find that hard to believe. I haven't really accomplished much in terms of worldly achievements. I haven't. I have been a dreamer much more than a doer. And I went through a period when the approach of my birthday brought with it months of low energy and at times outright depression. For several years that happened.

My emotional life is far more varied than it used to be. I used to appear to be able to take everything in stride. I seemed to be able to let all kinds of stress roll off, to the amazement of many others. I was always so calm. Now I am at times quite volatile. I do have a lot of ups and downs. I went through a period of great negativity. I even found myself beginning to gossip and I made some situations worse, for myself and for others. But now, even when I slip, I catch myself pretty quickly, and I am able to regain my composure and balance fast too. I can let go of things and people easily (for a time, far too easily) and I can pick them up again, if it seems that it is appropriate for them come back into my life.

I am at peace with myself, with my lack of accomplishments and all. I have done a lot, just not a lot of the things I dreamed about.
I am currently in the process of figuring out what I did or didn't do that added to or diminished the chances of some of those things coming into existence. I am working on it. I am writing and thinking all the time and I am trying new things. All of that feels good, because I am making some progress. I am learning and growing again. Still learning and still crazy after all these years. Most of the time that is enough to make me very happy.

Birthdays are a good things, even big ones with a zero at the end.
If you orient yourself to be aware of your own growth, you really do begins to enjoy every moment of your journey. Even with the relatively new awareness that your remaining time is finite. It is all good, if you learn from it, even the unwanted obstacles. They too can provide interesting things to think about.

Thank you for such an amazing life.
C

Copyright 2010 Craig Parks