It's Been A While Once Again

Perhaps I should just rename the blog. Hmmm
It is puzzling. I love to write. I write often- all the time in fact.
But I haven't been writing here.
I like writing here.

There are people who are waiting for more stuff,
even though they are for whatever reason
not officially following.

I have been pretty busy at work and
with things in my own life
but even so
most of my time does go toward thinking.

In my story Low Tide Desparados (copyright 2010-Craig Parks) most of what I have been working on would have to fall into the cluster of chapters currently known as Much Ado About Nothing. I have been writing a great deal, and it has come forth easily, but even so, it has been a struggle because I haven't been sure about what I wanted. Where I wanted my life to go.

I am torn- between a longing for contact, and at times, yes, even perhaps love, and the need to do my stuff. In the previous post I made reference to having never been able to be in a relationship and do my stuff. I tend to give away all my time. Usually quite willingly- at first.
It is further complicated by the fact that I am ordinarily not that efficient to begin with. I can think logically, plan ahead, sort and classify and straighten up my space and my life, but I tend not to. I prefer to just float and flow. I do that other stuff when I need to. I don't do it unless I see a need to.
Just this morning, I did a lot of long term planning in my calendar for next year.
I will do things like that, but then float for a quite while.

I should be shopping for a new phone. Lots of friends and family members have lost patience with me and my worthless phone. I think about doing it. I even make feeble attempts, but I don't keep going 'til the task is off the list. Part of it is not wanting to sign a new contract.
I like crossing things off the list.
But I guess I don't like it that much.

I am more emotional these days. There have been more ups and downs in the last nine years than in the previous fifty! I took everything in stride, without getting excited or agitated or particularly happy or sad. Now I still pretty much deal with whatever comes my way, But, I am often very frustrated or in the depths of despair. I am happy too, often, but it is the down side that I now notice more. I really used to be an eternal optimist. I was a half-full person, no matter what. I am not now. I am easily discouraged. I can go to work happy and come home sad or the other way around. And I don't believe I am bipolar. What happens with me operates a bit differently. If something is able to catch my attention and interest I am then fine. I can pull myself out, instantaneously- well, usually- Not always.

Not always.
For someone like me, there is a certain safety in allowing yourself to be attracted to women who are in one way or another unavailable. They may actually provide quite a bit of what you are seeking, but without the risks. Or so I tell myself.
Part of why I get worked up OR Down these days has to do with women. "If I become involved with xoxoxo I will probably have to look for another job because I can't afford... "
So it begins, sometimes over and over again.
Hence the Much Ado About Nothing.
I mean really!

I neven imagined that xoxoxo would really respond

or I should have known better than to consider the possibility

We're almost like twins,
we're polar opposites!
wrong and sometimes right on all counts.
what a mess.

What to do when someone who was formerly just an impossible dream begins to (maybe, but how can I be sure) seem more like a real possibility???
What do I do then?

Am I just afraid?
I don't have a problem looking stupid, I don't

but I don't want anyone to become uncomfortable
I have been there.
We got through it, yes,
but it was bad.
It put a lot of unnecessary stress and strain on both of us.
It happened more than once, several different times
when I wasn't even chasing after someone or chasing after someone else.
I don't like complications, but
I guess it's difficult to avoid them
unless you avoid all contact.

Hey,
that's what I have been trying to do.

I have been pulling back from just about everyone.
Almost. Only one exception.
One of the impossible ones,
but she grants me quite a bit of access and almost never calls a time out
or gives me any penalties.
She is a dream girl, isn't she?
Too good to be true?
Perhaps.
If she ever was r e a l l y
totally
and completely available,
what them?

Would I run and hide-
Just out of habit?

I don't always run or hide. I don't.
Sometimes I pull it together. Sometimes I decide to stick around and see what happens.

"Don't be afraid of xoxoxo
Don't be afraid of oxoxox either(very real and not just a dream-
and therefore actually terrifying.
She's possibly waiting but not necessarily much longer
to see if I am ever going to actually make a move.

It will be Okay. What's the worst that could happen?
In some ways she's actually safer than you know who. It will be Okay.

Just relax. Relax and rest. Nothing has to happen right now, you still have some time."

I need to take a rest

You need to Wake Up and start doing things differently.
You need to decide what you want and go for it!

I don't think I can.
Deep down I want to leave town and build my little house and studio on that vacant land
next to the National Forest...
and forget about everything.

and just dream of the impossible one(s)

and let go of all the more likely candidates.

You know she would be a great partner, she would.

What would you really be giving up?
Maybe a lot of time you spend floating on your couch.

She'd probably push you to write and paint or do whatever you want,
just so you would be happy.
And she'd wouldn't be afraid to tell you when you were full of shit. She's not afraid of you.
And you would just need to be there for her and honest with her too.
You are good at that. You are a great partner when you want to be.
And you know a lot more now.
More about really being emotionally nurturing,
not just theoretically, but really person to person.
You know a lot that you didn't know before.

The several unnamed women taught you quite a lot, but it's all going to waste.

Do I have a responsibility to be with someone?

You are free dude!
Why on Earth would you want to toss that away?
Are you nuts? You come home from work every day and you get to do whatever you want.
No one complaining,
no one telling you you need to do this or that.
Why ruin everything?

But when she hugged me, Afterwards I... Oh, it was...

It wasn't anything!
It's just been a while for both of you
You were both feeling that.
It was just basic chemistry
Each of you could have been almost anyone else.
It doesn't mean anything.

Look, if you end up doing it, just do it. Enjoy it and be done with it.
No need for any of that commitment crap.

Last time around that's what I said. That's what we both said. That how it began.
We were just dating.
She wasn't asking for anything more.

It was you, sucker!
YOU blew it.
You were the one who began to cling to her
and wanted to wake up with her in the morning.



By now, you may have gotten a sense of the ridiculousness of my life.
I probably should just stick to writing about my imaginary adventures.
I can rewrite everything that doesn't work.
I can control my characters- well most of them.
Some keep making the same stupid mistakes again and again.

I wonder if any of this dribble will make up for the lack of writing here in the last few months.
Perhaps I should just stick to the paper journals that get stacked in the corners.

?
?
?

Oh well, even if it wasn't so good, it was an attempt.
Hmmm